We’re past the halfway point of the 13-week regular season, and it’s time to take another look at the top league of this circle-jerk. The current power rankings are shown below.
The main story is how Bamrick, Dave-O, and Jeff are out-performing their records. All three teams have pretty solid rosters, and rank disproportionately high in the rankings if you consider their losing records. Contrast this with a team like B-Nelson’s Killers, who have a winning record but aren’t respected in the rankings. I’m on a five-game winning streak that started with my Week 3 win over Tex; this same game started Tex’s five-game losing streak. Bogey remains a team-to-beat. Bianchi, Billy, and Lincoln are floundering, and may be fortunate to be 3-4.
It should be noted that the two bottom teams in the rankings are the only two in the league without franchises. Do you need any more evidence as to why you should get a franchise? Wake up, sheeple!
It’s a little bit early to make any hard predictions, but we can at least start looking ahead to the playoffs. A team with a 7-6 record to end the season should be a lock for the playoffs, and it’s possible for a high-scoring 6-7 to get in, so keep that in mind when looking at the playoff scenarios.
Bogey and I are at the top of the standings, and we only have to win a couple more games to lock-up playoff slots. Right now, our focus is on closing out the regular season with a few wins and earning one of the coveted BYE spots.
Most of the league is clustered in the middle at 4-3 and 3-4. These eight teams are all still in the running for playoff spots, and with strong second halves, they could compete for the BYE slots. For these teams, each successive game is more and more important. Not to be overly simplistic, but after each week of games, the window for further movement in the standings closes a little because there are less games to be played. This means that there is less time to come back from a loss. Losses become crippling, especially when yielding games to other teams at similar records or better records than you. At this point in the season, wins are just a step forward, and losses are like taking two steps backwards.
No one is mathematically eliminated, but the 2-5 teams at the bottom would have to go on quite the tear to clinch a spot. Jeff and Tex are pretty much just fighting not to get relegated all the way down to Gold League. In fact, these two play each other in Week 8, and whomever loses this game is essentially done for the year, and they might want to consider retiring from fantasy football for good.
After this week, there could be few as one team at 4-4 and as many as seven teams at 4-4 depending on how things shake out. Are we going to see separation of the teams in the middle of the pack, or further clustering?
Week 8 Preview:
Phuket Rippers (Sully, 4-3) vs Fighting Emus (Bogey, 5-2)
It’s been a rough ten days for Bogey. Last week, he lost Big Ben for a few weeks to an injury. This week, both of his primary running backs were injured, and in the case of Shady McCoy, too dangerous to start. He was fortunate to pick up a win against Tex this week, and he now sits at 5-2. In a surprise announcement last night, Arian Foster retired from football. This coming week, Bogey will again miss the services of Carlos Hyde due to a bye. Normally this is one of the best rosters in the league, but he’s vulnerable this week. Sully isn’t in much better shape with Odell on bye and several players with questionable designations. I’ll be very interested to see how the addition of a running back distinction for Ty Montgomery helps Sully as he shuffles his line-up around. This could be the dumpster fire game of the week, but I think that Bogey’s strength at receiver will stabilize his team, and give him the win over Sully.
Dallas Flying Fortress (Tex, 2-5) vs Hawaii Humuhumu (Jeff, 2-5):
Both teams are 2-5, and as I mentioned above, the loser of this game is effectively done for the year. Can Jeff wake up from his nightmare of a season? Can Tex pull out of this downward spiral? I predict a win for Jeff and the Fishes, and I’m going to preemptively start my oil painting of Tex’s head on Icarus’s body. Here’s a preview:
Las Tortugas (Pledge, 3-4) vs Never Say Wombat (Knust, 6-1):
My all-time record against Dave-O is something like 0-3, and Dave-O put me on blast in his draft review, so I really want to win this one. If you don’t remember, here’s what he said about my draft:
I actually thought about writing a Bamrick-esque article torching Dave-O for this review, but I don’t want to tempt my own luck too much. I will leave him alone for the most part, but in defense of my first three picks, wide receivers that Dave-O found unimpressive, I’ll just leave this right here…
Back to the preview. This is an incredibly important game for Dave, because moving to 3-5 would put him in a hole where he’d have to finish the year on a 4-2 clip to make the playoffs. Both teams are close to full strength, and it should be a good match. Dave is incredibly strong at running back but weaker at receiver, and my team is the opposite. Which team’s second unit can step up? I don’t need the win here to vindicate my draft or my season, but I’m betting on myself: Wombats win.
The Mirthmobile (Austin, 3-4) vs Uncle Abe (Lincoln, 3-4):
This is a crucial game for both teams as the loser moves to 3-5. Each team is led by superstar running backs, and both are missing their primary receiver to byes this week. I lean towards Bamrick when looking at the rosters, but if Doug Martin comes back this week, that would provide Lincoln with some flexibility in setting his line-up. Even with Martin, I still like The Mirthmobile by a small margin.
Dual-Wielding Alpacas (Crispin, 4-3) vs Haarig Holzfallers (Bianchi, 3-4):
Another critical game for two teams in the middle of the standings. Joe and the Alpacas keep getting it done, but I just like Bianchi’s roster better. Plus, Joe is missing his three Ravens players this week, and Bianchi is at full-strength. Bianchi gets the win, and these teams even it up at 4-4.
TitoLeewoods Killers (B-Nels, 4-3) vs Truffle Butter (Billy, 3-4):
I don’t feel bad saying this here because I’ve said it to him personally, but Billy’s team has been one of the most disappointing groups of the season. He struggled a bit early with Le’Veon Bell on suspension, and I thought he’d be dangerous with a full squad after Week 3, but it just hasn’t happened yet. By most standards he’s probably a bit behind on the trade where he gave Zeke/Dorsett to Bianchi for Gurley/Fuller, even though Bianchi has since cut Dorsett. B-Nels has had his ups-and-downs, benefitting from a DeMarco Murray resurgence, but losing his top-two picks to injury (AP and Eddie Lacy). All things considered, I’d be happy to be 4-3 if I were him. This is a tough game to predict, but I’m still a believer in Billy’s roster. Another “underdog” pick, and both teams move to 4-4.
By Austin Bamrick, The Mirthmobile
(Title Credit to one Jameson P Bamrick, for without whom this league would not exist)
Good afternoon. On this glorious October day I would like to tell you a story. It is a story still being written I suppose, although its lessons can be utilized in your daily life even now. It serves as a reminder that we should always stay humble and be thankful for where you are in life, however you got there. For who knows…what happened and continues to happen to this gentleman could happen to you.
Day 1: The Draft.
Like many of us, Tex drafted 2 defenses. It is a joke almost as old as that time Renner drafted 2 kickers. And speaking of 2 kickers, I hope you keep reading.
Week 2: Dominance Established.
When Tex drafted his team of 30+ year olds including the backup to Le'Veon Bell my first thought was "Hey congrats on your 2011 championship dude these guys were amazing back then’. I’ll be honest however…by week 2 most of us in Presidents were sweating. And then the groupme chats.
Week 3: Cracks Revealed.
After this tex finally dropped the rams defense. I feel like now is an appropriate time to point out that Matt Forte getting 33 points the previous week is a hell of a lot less likely than Mike Evans (one of the best WRs in the game) getting a shitload of garbage time points. He’s a WR1, in garbage time, against backup defenders.
Week 4: In Which We Discover That The Only Roster Move One Needs Is Adding Another Kicker.
Tex drops Treadwell which is a good move since he won’t play this year probably, but instead of also dropping Hauschka and grabbing Dan Bailey and another player, he just…adds Dan Bailey. This was in week 4 and I'm writing this after week 6 and he STILL HAS BOTH OF THEM.
Week 6: In Which We Never Score Above 90 Points Again
A 4 game losing streak, while having the LEAST AMOUNT OF POINTS SCORED AGAINST YOU. I truly did not know this was possible. You look at someone like jeff who is 1-5 and see he has the most against him by almost 100 points and it makes sense. It’s sad but goddamn man at least it MAKES SENSE. Its something your mind can comprehend. But this? No. It’s too terrible. Its…ah….im feeling faint. My god why…how could this be? Why are my eyes bleeding? Why is the room swimming and my legs suddenly feel like jello? Why are there two kickers? Why is there a guy on IR still on this team? Can anyone hear me? Is ANYONE OUT THERE I REALLY NEED SOME HEL--
Thank you for coming on this journey with us in the president’s league. Remember. We do not forgive. We do not forget.
Last night marked the start of week 5 of the fantasy football season. By now, most teams have shored up the major holes that pre-season and early season injuries have left to their rosters. By now, most people are probably thinking to themselves that the worst is over. By now, most people are wrong.
You see children, fantasy football does not care about you. It exists only to watch you bleed. And as you bleed fantasy football feeds and it grows and it takes over your mind and your life. All day every day you do math in your head trying to see how much more you need to beat your opponent. Who to play. Who to trade. You think back to week 2 when you scored 150 and now you can’t even break 90 and you don’t know why. Your girlfriend calls and you seem distracted. Not distracted because she is breaking up with you but because you are watching Odell Beckham Jr attempt to catch balls thrown by a possibly retarded five year old in a helmet that’s too big and you only need 2 points from OBJ in the last half of the game but he isn’t going to get there.
“What?” you ask her.
“It’s over, Christ I feel like I’m talking to myself even now.”
“Sorry, bit distracted and this is all a lot to process”
“I’m sorry I have to do this”
“Because I can’t talk to you!”
“I wasn’t asking you. I was asking Eli Manning why he has befriended the fucking GROUND as his favorite target of 2016.”
If you thought the worst was over, you were wrong. Injuries and suspensions and rehab are calling your players from the beyond. From OUT THERE. And they will answer, and they will leave you broken and bleeding and they will laugh.
OUT FOR THE FORSEABLE FUTURE
Carson “Concussion Countdown” Palmer got knocked in the noggin last week and is currently still in the NFL’s concussion protocol. He did not play last night and from what I gather only has another concussion left before he dies. Just like reggie ray, I (and larry fitzgerald) don’t care what you have to do, Carson Palmer stays in the game goddammit.
OUT FOR THE YEAR
Shane Vereen is out for the rest of the season after tearing his tricep, one of the weirdest fucking things ive ever heard. Like what the fuck man what were you doing to tear your tricep? Anyway, the giants are a mess with Rashad Jennings also missing a game and Eli manning missing part of his shithead brain, so with Vereen down I think it’s safe to put the nail in the coffin on their season.
I must confess, I literally have no idea who Kevin White is. The bears are terrible. He’s out for the year apparently and that is bad for someone who had him as well as the terrible bears. Get better Kevin/Bears!
Sammy “lol wat” Watkins has decided to undergo surgery on his toe that had been limiting him in participation for the past few weeks. He will be out the rest of the year to recover. Sammy was an explosive deep threat last year when healthy, causing many genius owners to draft him a round earlier than he probably should have gone. Not your fault Sammy, many 5-7 year old children sometimes stub their toes and it hurts very bad indeed. Watkins will provide each fantasy owner with a personalized note from his mother when he is ready to come back to school.
Mr. Gordon has decided to enter rehab in the hopes of kicking his marijuana habit. Marijuana is fun and the NFL needs to get the gigantic stick out if its ass and let people smoke if they want, since it probably helps with the chronic migraines that happen when you run you head into men wearing fucking plate armor that are also 260 pounds of pure muscle. Rodger Goodell looks like a kid who got thrown in the dumpster by Logan. Anyway hope Gordan gets better cause he was literally the only good player for the browns last year even though he didn’t play a snap.
Career backup Chris Johnson has been placed on IR literally seconds after I put him on my team as a handcuff to the biggest Johnson in the game. I forget what the injury is and I’m not going to look it up, but for once this year an injury happened to a backup so we can all breathe easy. Now give me the 30 yards you’ve stolen from David Johnson back you piece of shit.
We now have a dedicated gallery under the 'The D League Franchises' tab that will have a complete display of all the current uniforms, so it's easy to see what we all have and see what colors are being used.
A few comments-
President's - After a much derided all RB/WR strategy, Knust sits squarely atop the rankings, with Bogey close behind. A much weaker Crispin team seems to have managed to get an extra win, helping out as he gets into the bye week stretches.
Austin, Sully, Tex, B Nels, Lincoln, and Billy are all middle of the pack at 2-2. Bnels, Lincoln, and Bilbo all managed to hit wins last week, and after two major wins and a whole lot of braggodocio, the Flying Fortress has been oddly quiet after losing two in a row.
Perennial powerhouses Las Tortugas, Hawaii Humuhumu, and Haarig Holzfallers are all rounding out the bottom at 1-3, with the Holzfallers managing only a sad 370.3 points so far.
Royal Purple - After a first week loss, the Drone Rangers have managed to score respectably and sit at the top with 3-1. The Cloudwalkers and Robodragons, with teams scoring more along the middle of the pack, have managed to get solid win totals to also fend off challlengers.
Our 2-2 managers are mostly where you would expect, except the Barking Spiders and Duncombe Demons, with scores even lower than the lowest in the President's.
Royal Purple's 1-3 teams are scoring a bit better than their records would suggest, but tough breaks (like me having the most points against out of everyone) keep them at the bottom.
White - A bit more of a top and bottom heavy league, White has 4 teams at 3-1 (Nice Hand's Marty, Fighting Firkins, Frozen Goombas, and The Jeanracks), and our first 0-4 team (Paule's recent takeover of the horrible Dusty Buttholes).
Rogue Squadron sits at an undeserved 2-2, considering that they've scored 486, second only to the first place Nice Hands, Marty!.
Gold - Gold contains both a 4-0 team and an 0-4 team. Will Postler has managed to stay convincingly atop the rankings of the little league that could. The Corsairs are our current Piss Boy favorites, as 344 points is distantly behind the next lowest team.
For all The Sawed Off's owner's complaining about being our new Piss Boy, he's managed 2 wins and still has four owners scoring less points under him.
The first person to hit 100 games without a franchise, Hanks will hit his 100th game in the D League this week. Congratulations Hankins
Today we have a special two-fer announcements of Dan Renner's 'Nice Hands, Marty' and Ben Freese's 'Sawed Offs'.
Renner continues his team naming tradition of names from Not Another Team Movie, this time honoring that John Hughes H.S. star receiver, Marty. Colors are directly taken from the ISU alternates.
Freese takes a simple approach to his colors, with a striking black and white, and a logo that makes it all work together.
Remember, if Dan Renner can get a franchise, it's truly for anyone.
2018 Assist Raffle Tracker
T. Shannon - 24
J. Edwards - 1