By J. Ward
So I am sitting here at the Casey Automotive letting some high school dropout change my oil, when I started contemplating how weird of a year it has been in football and in life. I thought it was time for a mid season review. First and foremost I think it needs to be mentioned that I think Jameson is actively attempting to become Piss boy. Although I think he is thwarting his chances by setting up rules for people not paying and without franchises automatically being put in the piss league.
Then to top everything, nobody saw this coming, Tex, the leather working hog rider is sitting fat and pretty in 1st place with a shit used up quarterback and one of the worst defenses in the league. The only good player on the team is Gordon who right now is questionable probably because he is tired of playing for such crappy management.
There is some new management this year attempting to drain the swamp if you will. Dirka Dirka-Stan is trying to come up from behind, like his whole pledge class used to do, and just barely sneak into the playoffs. Too bad his QBs are terrible, what he doesn’t want us to realize is that he has that deep bench. This may be a team to look out for in the second half of the season.
Tides, who I didn’t even know graduated, has a team of beast mode, but it seems someone placed the beast in the zoo and threw away the key. Half his team is injured and he does’t drop his IR players. Is someone even managing this team? Not really exp much for the rest of the season. I don’t expect a playoff debut for here.
Edwards, Who still puts out more shitty trade deals that Trump, is riding a pretty good team and on of the 5 teams tied for 2nd place. His ban has is a little weak with some injuries. Hopefully for him his starters stay healthy.
TA who was smart enough to draft and put together one of the best PPR teams in the league, has been able to clinch the coveted tied for 7th place position. Unless he makes some big changes or the league goes crazy and changes to PPR, I don’t expect Javelinas to go anywhere anytime soon. He may just make it into the last spot on the playoff bracket but then be utterly destroyed by 1st place.
D-Witt, seems to be hanging on by the mercy of God, the only thing keeping him afloat is the Hail Mary pass to his flex player Cooper who tore it up Thursday. If Daniel keeps being this lucky there may be no stopping him.
Stewart, nobody likes Stewart.
There are other teams who are worth mentioning but I am out of time. And watch out for those boat rockers, The management doesn’t even have a boat anymore, while they are trying to take out the king pin Flying Fortresses.
No Reward Is Worth This Weekly Game 5 - Lowest Scoring Starting DEF+K I Have A Bad Feeling About This Weekly Game 6 - Highest Season Points Scored
We have our first weekly game tie! For Week 5, both Lincoln's Uncle Abe and Tied's Benton County Beast Mode managed to score a whole 2 points between their DEF+K. Congrats.
In his inaugural fantasy football season, S. Von G is our current all league highest points total so far. He's up there, beating out 2nd place Hanks 711.2 to 702.3. Let's see if that luck holds for the rest of the season.
(Notes: Jameson was out for a month so this is late)
Welcome to week 5 everyone! In this episode of Matthew Berry’s Love/Hate, Matthew saves the relationship of a man and his estranged brother, Matthew helps a father and son-in-law bond, Matthew’s advice allows a massive retard to convince his equally retarded wife that the best way to pay for their wedding was to bet it all on winning a fucking fantasy league, Matthew helps a man get through “health issues”, and a fan writes in to let Matthew know that his new show is an equal replacement for not growing up with a mother.
Either all of these emails are completely made up or it's time we pool all those thoughts and prayers together and call down a meteorite to smash this pathetic species out of existence.
Lets get to it.
Ben Roethlisberger - Berry gets it, he’s been bad. That’s why it’s time to LOCK AND LOAD THAT MOTHERFUCKER UP AND PUT HIS ASS IN. Everyone could have basically stopped reading his whole article after “maybe it’s not surprising I was the only one to rank Big Ben inside my top ten”, because it isn’t surprising. It isn’t surprising at all.
Todd Gurley - Only berry could jinx a guy coming in averaging 23 points a game. Its shit like this that keeps me coming back for more.
Alex Collins - Averaging an insane 8.24 yards per carry this season. Averaging an insane 4.4 fantasy points. Get this kid before it’s too late.
Tarik Cohen - Second week in a row Cohen makes the list. At this point you have to wonder if our guy Berry has a little something extra riding on Cohen’s success...like maybe if Howard outscores Cohen on the year Field Yates gets to punch him in the dick.
DeVante Parker - Another back to back weeker. “Am I really talking up a Dolphin after last week?” My god i guess so. Berry never forgets. Berry also never learns.
Rishard Matthews - A THIRD BACK TO BACK PICK. For fucks sake don’t put anyone on your love list that has Matt Cassel “throwing” to them.
Charles Clay - If Berry thinks a guy getting injured gets him out of being wrong well he has another thing coming. Any jackoff with a computer can throw in a few words to make it sound like a player will kill it. A real analyst digs deep into the data to predict who's leg will break off or who's eyeball will pop out, and then crafts the perfect tweet at that player to let them know they should fucking kill themselves after they lost you your fantasy week.
Alex Smith - Berry recommended you sit the #1 scoring QB in fantasy who plays for the best team in the NFL. Let that sink in, and then think twice before you open another Love/Hate article.
Philip Rivers - Oh shit watch out guys Philip is playing in the EAST COAST. How can a qb who has been playing in the league for like 20 years possibly get over a 3 hour time change? WHAT IF HIS PHONE DOESN'T AUTO UPDATE AND HIS ALARM DOESN'T GO OFF WILL THEY CUT RIVERS AND MOVE THE TEAM BACK TO SAN DIEGO???
If anything it’s an advantage to fly out east. Phil can throw 8 interceptions and still be back in time for lunch.
Marshawn Lynch - Matthew Berry definitely came up with that shitty ass Least Mode nickname and despite everyone telling him it sucks he’s still going to keep pushing it. Stop trying to make least mode happen. It’s not going to happen.
Jason Witten - how can anyone HATE jason witten? He’s the sweetest guy ever. Have you looked into his eyes? It’s like the first time I heard the beatles.
Thats it for this past week folks. Tune in tomorrow on ESPN if you’d like to read about Tarik Cohen and DeVante Parker being the second comings of Christ.
By A. Bamrick
Most people that have played or currently play fantasy football know the name Matthew Berry. He’s been the most recognizable name in FF for as long as I have been playing, and has managed to turn watching football into a multi-million dollar a year contract with his own weekly column, tv show, and podcast.
To clarify, Berry has successfully turned being wrong and bad at his job into MILLIONS OF DOLLARS AND HIS OWN TV SHOW.
Since I am jealous and extremely bored at work, I’ve decided that every week (Wednesdays hopefully) I’ll break down Berry's dumbass LOVE/HATE list and rip apart everything he got wrong. I have the power of hindsight and cherry picking, which means i can never be wrong and that these articles won’t be able to help you chuckleheads set your lineups until it's too late and berry has already lead you to your demise.
I will leave you with this on tip: from the moment the first person typed “LOL NICE CALL ON MIKE VICK RETARD” and pressed tweet at Mr. Derry some 6 years ago, he has wanted nothing but misery for all of you. Do not trust him.
Joe Mixon - 17 attempts, 29 yards. Hey Berry maybe don’t recommend the RB running behind the worst offensive line in the nfl going up against a solid rush D that held fucking LeVeon Bell to 40 yards. Hey Jerry maybe stop beating up on Field Yates in your little 4 man ESPN league of children and come join the big leagues.
Christiaan McCaffery - Top 15 play for Mr. Lerry this week, who absolutely went OFF for 6.9 points. The difference between the #1 rb and the #15 rb was 15 points this week, so saying “top 15” is another way of saying I‘m pretty sure this guy has 4 limbs and will play running back. Matthew is the king of saying “er well this guy is out so look for this guy to gobble up all the targets that are left over” which essentially never fucking happens. There are other WRs on the roster kids, they will be handling the WR targets that the QB throws to his WRs.
Tarik Cohen - Berry’s twitter feed is probably still a dumpster fire after Jordan Howard made him look like a fucking clown last week, so instead of manning up and saying oh hey maybe the #1 rb on a run first offense might be a good play he goes with the guy every 12 year old on reddit is raging about. Actually the more I think about it the more I’m certain berry just looks on r/fantasyfootball and copies whatever the most upvoted comment is into his column. Of course he removes the source, because nobody would take a recommendation by user “pm_me_cake_farts” seriously.
Golden Tate - I said this in the groupme but the idea that Xavier Rhodes would only be covering Marvin Jones and not Tate was incredibly stupid the moment it was put on paper. Tate scored double digits weeks 1 and 3, and single digits week 2 and 4. A pattern has emerged folks and SOMEONE isn’t in on it.
Devante Parker - I recommend you start a WR who is playing in London coming off a game where he was absolute dogshit until the last drive of the game. I recommend you throw your week away because I hate you and want you to die.
Rishard Matthews - Why would you recommend rishard matthews to anybody when Josh Gordon is rumored to be getting reinstated?
Jimmy Graham - I’m pretty sure Matthew goes home and grabs the lube while pulling up the targets report on PFF and just goes to town. Graham leads the TE position in redzone targets, which would fucking rule if we were in a league that gave points for having a ball come within like 10 feet of you. LEADS THE LEAGUE IN REDZONE TARGETS. HAS ZERO TOUCHDOWNS. LOVE HIM START HIM IN ALL FORMATS.
Titans D - The Talented Mister Roto gets a lot wrong but it’s rare even for him to have those recommendations actually lose you points. This was a tasty one folks, lap it up.
Lamar Miller - I too recommend you sit a starting running back who is pretty much guaranteed 15-20 touches a game in a run first offense with a great defense and a quarterback who is mobile as fuck so opposing teams will have to sell out to stop him.The Jordan Howard of week 4, we now have back to back weeks that berry has told people to sit an RB that hits nearly 30 points. Look for D’Onta Foreman to hit that LOVE list next week.
Hunter Henry - Philip Rivers throws the ball 80 times a game and yet somehow players on the chargers still keep ending up here. It’s bad and gerry should feel bad.
Ameer Abdullah - ah yes, the “well this defense is LIGHTS OUT against the run do not play anyone against them” argument. You know what this argument might actually work if we WEREN'T IN WEEK 4. That massive 3 weeks of data you have doesn’t mean shit and it even included one week of an rb doing just fine. Recommendations in the first 4 weeks should be illegal and carry the death penalty.
That’s a wrap. See you next week and remember: his twitter handle is @ifuckinsuckatmyjob so be sure to let him know when a player on his love list randomly blows out a knee ruining your week.
T Mike manages to win this weekly prize with a healthy lead in bench points of about 20. His starters scored 97.4 and lost his matchup by 14, and his bench scored 90.5.
Terrelle Pryor (14.5)
Tevin Coleman (16.4)
Cam Newton (33)
Gio Bernard (15.4)
Coby Fleener (3.1)
Chris Carson (ouch - 8.1)
2018 Assist Raffle Tracker
T. Shannon - 24
J. Edwards - 1