By Sullivan, Phuket Rippers
Phuket Rippers vs. The Mirthmobile
You young pups want a history lesson? Jameson started this league in 2010 on NFL.com’s fantasy site under the name “shamwowhookerpunch”. I can’t find any records of that year’s teams, but the next year, about the same time that one kid everyone makes fun of on the GroupMe thread for being young started at Iowa State , the hosting site got moved to ESPN. That year, there were 3 teams that had names still in use today – Rufio RU FI OOO, God’s Country Cat Daddies, and The Mirthmobile. Four years from now when half of you has moved on to Fantasy Battle Bots, Austin will still be rocking the Mirthmobile name in the President’s FANTASY FOOTBALL! League. Lot to like about that sort of commitment, and for that, I award him a predicted win.
Haarig Holzfallers vs. Duncombe Demons
Here’s a fun fact: T-Mike’s roster from that first year in 2010 was nearly identical to his current starting lineup. Swap out Dez Bryant and Travis Kelce for Michael Irvin and Tony Gonzalez and it’s a perfect match. Bianchi’s team is no spring chicken either, though. I predict that between the two, there will be at least 1 broken hip and a couple of bouts of incontinence. In the end, Deandre Hopkins scores 40 points and the Holzfallers Fall Holz like it’s 1999.
Uncle Abe vs. Arnie’s Pizza Shop
The most dangerous 3-8 team outside of Ames, Iowa, Arne’s Pizza Shop is set to deliver a family size whooping to Uncle Abe this week! I don’t really believe any of that sentence, but it was too easy not to write. Lincoln has great WRs and there’s no way fate doesn’t allow the only franchise in the President’s League without a uniform to win the whole thing. You tried your best, Jameson, but unfranchised Nick Lincoln is the unstoppable dripping water that eventually erodes away your entire mid-life’s work.
Never Say Wombat vs. Upper Decker
As much as Knust would love to talk to you about power rankings and statistical probabilities and how bad my team is and how smart he was in picking up Thomas Rawls, anyone who was in the Delt house back when it used to hold parties so big the fire marshal would shut them down 6 nights a week can tell you that fantasy football champions don’t abide by some algorithm spitting out made up Power Scores. Shit, you think Stewart won last year’s league as the second lowest scorer because he played by the Power Score rules and forfeited to all those “better” teams? Hell no. You know what his Power Score was and still is? 1. Run and tell that to your computers, Joshua.
Dallas Dictators vs. Backalley Bootleggers
I was ready to give this one to the Bootleggers, but then I saw the early 2015 throwback jerseys that the Dictators are wearing this week. Not quite as good as their early-2014s and nowhere near the level of the mid-2013s, but they beat the hell out of the current version. Time to get the graphic designer on the phone for another reboot.
Swamp Donkeys vs. Las Tortugas
Full disclosure: Las Tortugas is my favorite logo. Look at that smiling turtle in a sombrero ready to punch out anyone who so much as looks at him wrong. Makes me wish I could rename my team to the Cat Videos and just have a different kitten gif every week of the season. (If you read that as “jif” in your head, you can jit the fuck out of here right now.) Anyways, ESPN’s projections say that this will be close, but you don’t need to have this week’s Power Scores in front of you to know that Daveo is going to wipe the floor with Masker. Lock of the Week. “A” pick. Book it.
By Josh, Never Say Wombat
Even though the playoff picture is not yet crystal clear, Week 10 eliminated some of the possible scenarios such that we can take a little more detailed look at the playoff race.
Three teams are playoff locks at this point, and can rest easy for the rest of the season knowing that they will not only have a shot at the title this year, but also next year. Without running every scenario, my thought is that 7-6 will be a playoff lock regardless of points scored as a tie-breaker. For my own sake, I hope I have not miscalculated. The following teams are just playing for playoff seeding from here on out.
By Kristiaan, Redhawks
White league is pretty interesting right now. Everyone hates Billy for being 8-0, and despite being 3-5 I’m still tied for 5th. Playoffs are really in anyone’s grasp (we won’t count Andrej). In fact, had I not traded for Keenan no kidneys Allen, I might convince myself I had a shot.
California RedHawks vs.Team Nigro
A matchup to break our 5th place tie, things are looking pretty good. Nigro hasn’t set his lineup at this point so all sign point to me coming really close to beating him and then losing at the last second. Assuming he plays a defense that doesn’t have the week off or that Carlos Hyde puts up more than nothing it might be a decent matchup. Brady continues to give me hope and so I say - Redhawks win by +0.5
The Enforcers vs. Rogue Squadron
It’s a rough time to be Andrej. On the road to his 5th loss in a row if ESPN projections hold true with a pretty sizeable downtrend in points and only a portion of the total amount of ACL’s needed to be a whole person. Rogue Squadron on the other hand is flying high with a mighty win streak of 1. This one’s a tough one to call to be honest with the odds being slim that Brees and Odell have repeat weeks. Squadron takes it by +65 with neither team breaking 100.
The Barking Spiders vs. Tito Leewoods Killers
Juice has a lot going for him right now – new hospital digs, plenty of time to figure out how to play League of Legends and a cool +2 winning streak. Bnels is on a downward spiral and it’s looking like it might continue. Lot on the bench here though and after a readjustment it could be another close game. Another matchup to break a 4-4 tie, I’m going with the Barking Spiders by +10.
The Martyrs vs. the Midwest Cat Daddies
With Forte down and out and a roster that needs a kicker, the Martyrs has some work to do. Especially considering TJ is on a hot streak. I have nothing to say about this game. Instead, I would recommend checking out the show Red Oaks on Amazon Instant Video, it’s hilarious and way more entertaining than anything I’m going to come up with for this game. I hope both these teams tie at 75 points and propel my team to the playoffs.
AP will beat you All Day vs. HellHounds
If anyone has a chance to take down Billy, it’s the HellHounds. And please do, because no one wants to see Billy undefeated. I’ve heard from a pretty trustworthy source that he was the cause of Keenen Allens kidney loss. In any case, it’s going to be a close one. I’m predicting 6 INT’s by Andy Dalton. Hellhounds by +0.2. Don’t ever trade with Billy.
Medieval Knievels vs. Cry Me a Rivers
Dusty is rocking an average of about 120+ points per game and is only uptrending. Schuchmann, tied for 5th at 3-5, also happens to be on a losing streak of 4. ESPN projections put Dusty ahead by about 20. Let’s just say it doesn’t look good. I might even consider fantasy basketball instead of watching how this game plays out. Best of luck – here’s to hoping Peyton doesn’t get sacked another hundred times this game.
The Mirthmobile vs Arnie's Pizza Shop
I'm pretty excited to be playing Logans 2-6 team now that they've put up back to back 120+ point games after averaging 15 the last 6 weeks. You'd think a team with the only top 5 running back that was drafted this year that still has an ACL (and isn't fatass eddie lacy) would be sitting pretty good, but you'd be wrong because john brown and mike evans decided to literally shit on my face.
1.) Will Lamar Miller and the rest of the dolphins offense continue to be limp dick pussies in the face of any defense with a pulse?
2.) Is this the week the last top 5 drafted back tears his ACL?
3.) Will Devante Adams score ten times his average for no fucking reason?
1.) Bet your house.
2.) First play of the game. Calling it.
3.) Not only that, but he will play defense and intercept every ball thrown Greg Olsen's way.
Prediction: Logan's team has some of the softest machups you could hope for this week. I have Lamar Miller.
30 - 128
Duncombe Demons vs Dallas Dictators
THE RETURN OF DEZ BRYANT AND DEANGELO WILLIAMS. On paper, this looks like a nightmare week to play t-mike. Dez has a soft eagles secondary to go up against, ingram and brady will do their thing, mcfadden has taken over the dallas backfield, larry donnell...uh...sucks. T-mike even has kelce and west on bye's and it still looks like a beatdown. Jameson at least has Chris Boswell.
1.) How did t-mike manage to get the backups on two of the most rb elite offenses in the league?
2.) Do you think Mcfadden heard me when I made fun of him 4 weeks ago?
3.) Who would you rather put in your lineup: Larry Donnell or a bag of sand?
1.) Voodo black magic. Anyone holding deangelo after week 2 so he can play him in week 8 clearly has some dark shit going on in his closet.
2.) He hasn't scored less than 12 points since I did, so I'd say yes.
3.) The sand by a mile. Larry Donnell is just below "the ground" as favorite Eli Manning targets.
Prediction: Matt Jones has a field day, scoring at 9 whole points to go along with Jason witten's solid five.
Never Say Wombat vs Phuket Rippers
Never Say Wombat has at least 67 people on bye this week, and the Rippers have basically nobody and some SOFT ASS CUP CAKE MATCHUPS. Also you don't have a defense Knust so I'd get on that if I were you. Anyway, the rippers had a pretty off week last week, which allowed the streaking Pizza Shop to take em down. I don't think that'll hold. Meanwhile Knust has a solid crew of people who score about 10 points and then take a nap, which can't happen when playing a dominating Rippers squad.
1.) Who is better, Caleb Sturgis or Stephen Gostowksi? Matchup of the week folks.
2.) Is Watkins back? Or is he like not back?
3.) What is a Jacob Tamme?
1.) Gostowski. Ok you can stop watching the matchup folks.
2.) Not back but still back. Back back back back back
3.) A Jacob Tamme is when you last like 2 minutes the first time and then 45 minutes the next.
Prediction: knust puts a defense in and only loses by 30, thanks in part to his defense giving up negative 9.
98 - 128
Uncle Abe vs Swamp Donkeys
Believe it or not the Donkeys can still make the playoffs. That is gonna be quite the uphill battle this week though, as the receiving core of Abe is one of the best in the league. On the other hand, the donkeys are literally playing the only person who could be put in a WR or RB slot in their flex, which is a bold strategy and we'll see how it pays off for him. Probably not good since McCluster averages 7 points.
1.) Is Big Ben going to stop sucking MASSIVE DONKEY DICK?
2.) Is TJ really starting TWO rb's for the titans?
3.) Will Philip Rivers get hit by a bus on the way to the game?
1.) No, I have him in another league and he is aids.
3.) Please allah make it happen that guy is the fucking worst.
Prediction: Dexter McCluster houses 4 punt returns for td's while the Donkeys beat Abe.
Haarig Holzfallers vs Las Tortugas
I don't know what language these teams are in but here in AMERICA WE SPEAK FUKIN AMERICAN. This is easily the matchup of the weak, as both of these teams (along with the Rippers) are tied for 1st and are projected to put up some pointage. Bianchi's team has every. single. person. on his team averaging double figures (except antonio gates). On the other side, Davo doesn't have that consistency but has a few guys that can absolutely explode any given week. Davo is fortunate that Hopkins and Fitzgerald are both on bye's this week. My pants are tight just thinkin about this matchup folks.
1.) What will the return of Darren Sproles in a fantasy lineup bode?
2.) Which Martavis Bryant will show up this week?
3.) Can Tavon Austin repeat his insane week 8 performance?
1.) Seven points. You are getting seven points its his average and its what he will do.
2.) I think the good one. So thats good.
3.) Austin does this: 20 point outing, two shit outings. 20 point outing, two shit outings. Unfortunately its shit outing time for you Bianchi.
Prediction: Mexico takes whatever language that is Bianchi. Devonta Freeman is not human.
Upper Decker vs Backalley Bootleggers
Remember when Carlos Hyde exploded for 30 points in week 1 and we all though we were in big trouble? The bootleggers are coming off their 4th straight loss and their time in the premier league looks like it might be fairly short lived. Injuries are murdering this team, and an upper decker team that has the players on paper to be good should take this one without much trouble.
1.) Will fatass edward evelyn lacy get is fattass into the endzone?
2.) CJ ANDERSON HAD A GOOD GAME. CJ ANDERSON HAD A GOOD GAME. WEEEOOOWEEEOOOWEEEOOOWEEOOO IS CJ BACK?
3.) Did you know that this matchup is featuring 3 of the worst offensive players on denver's team?
1.) No carolina is actually pretty good and edward looks like he just eats cheeseburgers on the sideline all day.
2.) No it was a fluke and he is BAD.
3.) Yes, i wrote it and its still funny
Prediction: Upper decker upper decks bootleggers, as peyton continues to be worse than hitler and gronk continues to be wasted.
102.8 - 91.7
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