By M. Sullivan
At Bogey’s suggestion, I’ve decided to take a look back over the season and analyze every roster move I’ve made since the draft. As Knust has pointed out if previous articles, I currently hold a commanding lead (70-37 at the time of this writing) in season transactions. A large part of that is due to a poor draft (second worst according to one flawed ranking system), some comes due to bad injury luck (Keenan Allen (2nd round) and Dion Lewis (4th round) combining for 2 quarters played between them on the season), but most of it is simply me trying to get my money’s worth ($100 entry, $82.34 in added fees) from the league. If hindsight is 20/20 and Donald Trump is eligible to be voted out of office in 2020, then by the transitive property, this assessment should be three fire emojis and one Indian-TV-host-who-dances-like-TA.gif.
Aug 21 – Proposed trade to Tex: Michael Floyd and Dion Lewis for DeAndre Hopkins.
Less than an hour after draft results were entered and Dion Lewis is already injured. I start stroking Tex’s ego about how his team is good enough to hold Lewis for a few weeks and then he’ll be stacked when he returns. No response.
Aug 21 – Proposed trade to Bam: Floyd and Lewis for Sammy Watkins.
Same idea with Bam, who immediately sees through it and at least has the courtesy to laugh at me and decline.
Aug 22 – Proposed trade for Jeff: LaGarrette Blount and Lewis for Marvin Jones
In previous years, trading for the entire Patriots backfield would be a terrible idea, but if Jeff had made this trade, he’d be looking like a title contender.
Aug 23 – Added James White, dropped Bruce Ellington
Now my roster has 3 Patriots RBs. Unless your name is Dan Renner, this is #notgood
Aug 24 – Dropped James White, added Shaun Draughn
Quickly fixed that problem.
Aug 25 – Dropped Dion Lewis, added Chris Thompson
Finally came to terms with the fact that I couldn’t sit on Lewis for 10+ weeks. Guess I’ll have to role with The Garrette.
Aug 27 – Dropped Shaun Draughn, added Dak Prescott
Sure, I may be able to get a week or two out of this Dak guy before Romo returns.
Aug 28 – Added Jared Cook, dropped Chris Thompson
If you remember how much buzz there was about Jared Cook after one of those preseason games, this move makes sense.
Aug 30 – Added Darren Sproles $1, dropped Dak Prescott
Here begins the misallocation of FAAB. At this point I had seen the error of my ways in adding a rookie QB with a predetermined shelf life.
Aug 31 – Added Chris Thompson, dropped Jared Cook
You’ll see me cycle through the same few players within a given week pretty frequently, basically based on whichever tweet I last read. This won’t be the last of Jared Cook though.
Sep 6 – Added Vikings DST, dropped Chris Thompson
Almost went a whole week there. May have been on vacation without internet.
Sep 7 – Added Blair Walsh, dropped Darren Sproles
There goes 1% of my FAAB back to the waiver wire. Just you wait.
Sep 11 – Added Breshad Perriman, dropped Phillip Dorsett
Swapping out one WR flyer for another.
Sep 13 – Dropped Keenan Allen
Second big injury of the year. Farewell Keenan, we hardly knust ye.
Sep 14 – Added Tajae Sharpe $32
Looking for that Keenan replacement. If I remember correctly, the next highest big was $31, so I felt really good about this. $33 waiver dollars spent in total.
Sep 14 – Added Dontrelle Inman $3, dropped Breshad Perriman
One of my trusted twitter follows promised me that Inman was the lowkey Charger to own, not Williams. $36 spent.
Sep 14 – Added Ravens D, dropped Vikings
History will not be kind to this move.
Sep 14 – Added Josh Brown, dropped Blair Walsh
You must remember that we didn’t know what we now know about Brown. Great foresight with Walsh though iwbh.
Sep 14 – Added Patriots, dropped Ravens
Kept the Ravens for all of 7 hours.
Sep 21 – Added DeVante Parker $41, dropped Dontrelle Inman
Yeah, that’s not a typo. I remember bumping this up $10 while lying in bed. Still looking for that WR2. $77 spent by week 2.
Sep 21 – Added Cowboys, dropped Ravens
Sep 21 – Added Dwayne Washington, dropped John Brown
Here we start to see one of the reasons my transactions are so high. Often times, especially in the beginning of the season, I’ll use the kicker roster spot to hold a speculative RB through the week, only to drop him on Sunday.
Sep 21 – Added Jared Cook, dropped Antonio Gates
Sep 24 – Added Jordan Howard, dropped Dewayne Washington
Great move Mark!
Sep 24 – Dropped Jordan Howard, added Matt Bryant
Sep 27 – Dropped Jared Cook
Tilting so hard I couldn’t even wait until waivers processed to get rid of him.
Sep 27 – Proposed Trade to Tex: Parker and Tevin Coleman for Hopkins
Probably not a terrible deal. Tex at least acknowledges it and declines this time.
Sept 28 – Added Zach Miller $2
This was a pretty good buy. $79 spent
Sep 28 – Added Colts D, dropped Cowboys
Sep 28 – Dropped Jeremy Langford, added Kenneth Dixon
Another drafted RB goes down with injury. Good thing I had Jordan Howard for a few hours last week.
Sep 28 – Added Dak Prescott, dropped TJ Yeldon
Dak is back.
Sep 28 – Traded Michael Floyd to Crispin for Donte Moncrief
This trade has been shrugged off twice now as an inconsequential transaction, first when Knewst broke it on GroupMe (“the crowd goes mild”), and then again in Bogey’s recent column (“yawn”). On the contrary, if I’m able to avoid relegation, I think it will go down as the biggest reason I made the playoffs. I was able to trade Michael Floyd at his highest point for an injured Moncrief at his lowest. Since the trade, Floyd has had one good game yardage-wise and scored one TD. He has been so inconsistent that he is basically unusable. Meanwhile, since his return from injury, Moncrief has scored in both games and has outscored TY Hilton. It took sitting on 6 weeks of injury, but I finally got a WR2 to replace Keenan Allen.
Sep 28 – Added Matt Prater, dropped Matt Bryant
Sep 28 – Added Alex Smith, dropped Dak Prescott
A lot of waiver wire pickups get dropped later that day when rankings come out and I am convinced that the difference between 13 and 15 actually means something.
Sep 29 – Dropped Mat Prater, added Orleans Darkwa
Zhao. Who? Exactly.
Sep 29 – Added Steelers, dropped Colts
This is the type of transaction you guys should be yawning off. Not getting the best receiver in the AFC South for pennies on the dollar.
Sept 30 – Proposed trade to Bam – Tevin Coleman for Stefon Diggs
This seems somewhat fair.
Sep 30 – Proposed trade to Bogey – Tevin Coleman for Amari Cooper
This seems less fair. Both were declined.
Oct 1 – Dropped Darkwa, added Blair Walsh
Customary weekend kicker addition.
Oct 4 – Rage-drop Alex Smith on Tuesday before waivers
Oct 6 – Add Sammie Coates $6
$85 spent. This may have been a season-saving addition. Coates scored 28.9 pts that week in my flex spot, 26.2 more than Tajae Sharpe who I had starting until about an hour before kickoff. I beat Billy by 24.
Oct 6 – Drop Blair Walsh, add Mason Crosby
The Vikings would figure this out 6 weeks later.
Oct 7 – Add Eli Manning $2, drop Jameis Winston
Oct 12 – Add Alex Smith $1, drop Tajae Sharpe
Finally cut bait on $32 Tajae Sharpe. Now have $12 left and not much to show for it.
Oct 12 – Added Dion Lewis, dropped Eli Manning
Rumblings that Lewis is walking through locker rooms start to make their way across twitter. I’ll bite.
Oct 13 – Proposed trade to Billy: DeVante Parker for Jeremy Maclin
Now this would have been a trade you guys could have dismissed as meaningless. But Donte Moncrief? Gtfo. Billy declined, like a gentleman, less than 2 hours later.
Oct 14 – Proposed trade to Lincoln: Jerrick McKinnon for Doug Martin
Martin may have been injured at this point and McKinnon was still looking like a possible asset. Unsurprisingly, Lincoln failed to respond. #herestolincoln
Oct 15 – Added Dwayne Washington, dropped Kenneth Dixon
See Sep 11.
Oct 15 – Dropped Dwayne Washington, added Eli Rogers
Must have been a slow day.
Oct 18 – Dropped Eli Rogers, dropped Steelers D
Clearing up space for the next day’s waivers
Oct 19 – Added Hunter Henry $7
Now I’ve spent $95. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t last.
Oct 19 – Added Raiders D
Oct 19 – Added Marcus Mariota, dropped Alex Smith
Great time to buy Mariota
Oct 19 – Added Ty Montgomery, dropped Dion Lewis
Remembered that owning multiple Patriots RBs is for the birds and added Montgomery who went on to provide a couple of good weeks.
Oct 19 – Added Jameis Winston, dropped Sammie Coates
Jameis plays New Orleans twice in the fantasy playoffs. If you’re not looking ahead to the playoffs when you’ve got a 3-3 record and a shaky roster, you’re doing it wrong.
Oct 23 – Added Corey Coleman $2, dropped DeVante Parker
Goodbye $41 Devante. Hello Cleveland Brown WR2. $97 spent.
Oct 26 – Added Panthers, dropped Giants
Oct 26 – Added Dion Lewis, dropped Mariota
Oct 26 – Dropped Lewis, added Dwayne Washington
Oct 26 – Dropped Washington, added CJ Fiedorowitz
Pretty massive 4-team deal here. Looking back, maybe not the best move.
Oct 30 (Sunday at 3:26PM) – Added Don Jackson, dropped Zach Miller
This resulted from Ty Montgomery being a last minute scratch because of defective red blood cells. Had to scramble for a RB to start and ended up giving up a decent player because of it. It’s been a cruel season injury-wise.
Nov 2 – Added CJ Prosise $3, dropped Don Jackson
Ok boys ok! It took all of the $100, but I think we finally found a pretty good use of FAAB.
Nov 2 – Added Peyton Barber, dropped Fiedorowitz
Nov 2 – Dropped Barber, added Hooper
Another instance of making multiple transactions to get to an end. Sorry I’m not as efficient as you guys.
Nov 2 – Dropped Hunter Henry, added JJ Nelson
Nothing quite like chasing that outlier performance.
Nov 4 – Dropped Nelson, added DuJuan Harris
He’ll be back, don’t worry.
Nov 9 – Dropped Panthers, added Jets $0.
Yeah, I know it was for $0, ESPN. You know how I know? Because you fuckers won’t let me spend any more of your fake money.
Nov 9 – Added Zach Ertz, dropped Hooper
I can’t be sure and don’t even think I want to know, but please tell me I didn’t play Hooper.
Nov 9 – Added Kapri Bibbs, dropped Rashad Jennings
Wait, I kept Jennings for this long, and when I did drop him, it was for something called a Kapri Bibbs?
Nov 9 – Added JJ Nelson, dropped Jerrick McKinnon
Draft Jerrick McKinnon, they said. If AP goes down, McKinnon will be an every-week RB1, they said.
Nov 11 – Added Hunter Henry, dropped Bibbs
Seems like a pretty good deal when you consider that 3 weeks ago people were paying $7 for Henry.
Nov 12 – Dropped Henry, added Ladarius Green
Son of a bitch.
Nov 12 – Traded Brandin Cooks and Ty Montgomery for Alshon Jeffery
OK first of all, how the hell was I supposed to know that 2 days later Alshon would get his pill popped for popping pills? And second, why would I even expect Nick Lincoln, the posterchild of absentee managers, to even acknowledge this trade proposal in the first place. Congrats on getting the third best receiver on the Saints and a worthless RB asset. If that’s what it takes for you to come out of hibernation and contribute to this thing Jameson’s trying to craft, I guess it was worth it. While you’re at it, show some pride and buck up for a franchise already.
Nov 13 – Added Kapri Bibbs
Again, what is this Kapri Bibbs thing that keeps showing up?
Nov 13 – Added Adam Humphries, dropped Ladarius Green
Here’s a free one for anyone that made it this far: Adam Humphries will slay in the fantasy playoffs.
Nov 13 – Dropped Jay Cutler, added Adam Humphries
I got Alshon now (who wasn’t yet suspended), so might as well stack him with Smokin’ Jay. Jay threw 2 picks and fumbled once in this game. A 50-yard Hail Mary before halftime was the only thing that kept him from 0 fantasy points on the day. It also gave me a 2-point win on the week. Thank God for the Marlboro Man.
Nov 15 – Traded Alshon to Knust for Giovani Bernard
Knowing how the universe works for him, Lincoln will likely sneak into the playoffs as the 2nd lowest points scorer in the league. And if he were to continue his streak as the luckiest person in fantasy football and somehow win that first week, there would be a 50% chance he would face Knust in week 15, the first week Alshon returns. These are the things I think about.
Nov 16 – Dropped Jets, added Dolphins
Nov 16 – Dropped Cutler, added Eli Manning
In spite of everything I still believe that Jay Cutler is really good at heart.
Nov 16 – Dropped Bibbs, added Wendell Smallwood
On the 0-Moncrief scale, this transaction is a 1.
Nov 16 – Dropped DuJuan Harris, added Ladarius Green
It’s been three months, but for the first time, I’m starting to like my roster.
Nov 16 – Dropped Mason Crosby, added Graham Gano
Nov 16 – Dropped Smallwood, added Kaepernick
Nov 16 – Dropped Kaep, added Tyreek Hill
You know those paintings that are done really quickly at halftime of basketball games where you have no idea what they are until the artist flips them upside down and then you realize it’s Andy Reid eating a bratwurst? This transaction is me flipping my masterpiece for the world. Behold!
Nov 17 – Added Ryan Succop, dropped Graham Gano
By C. Bogenreif
Well hello my little crackers! Oh, and hi Juice. With only 3 weeks left of the Fantasy Football regular season this year has flown by. Some have had the highest of highs this season, usually when Tex, Dusty, or Zachar is on the schedule. While others have had the lowest of lows, losing to any of those three. At this point in the season it is good to look back and reflect on what might have been. The times that you could have drafted Spencer Ware in the 14th round but didn’t or the time you drafted Todd Gurley with your first pick only to have him score less points than the likes of Jay Ajayi, Jordan Howard, and Christine Michael by week 10. Which brings me to my topic: trades.
One of the best parts of fantasy is trading. That is why I have taken part in exactly zero trades this year. Not because I haven’t tried. It’s usually because I am dealing with Jeff and he offers the most lopsided trades. Take this trade for example, proposed to me on September 22nd at 10:39am:
CBOG Trades LeSean McCoy and Julio Jones
JEDW Trades Dez Bryant, Chris Ivory, and Isiah Crowell
Jeff this trade proposal is just awful. If women were objects that could be traded (well since Trump is our president-elect they might actually be. Wasn’t this a key component of his platform?). Anyway, if women could be traded like Pog Slammers at Cooper Elementary School in the early 90’s, this trade is the equivalent of Jeff offering me Mama June and Susan Boyle for Kate Upton and Mila Kunis. No one would do that.
In fairness we didn’t know Dez was going to get hurt the next week and be out for a third of the season. Crowell has had a few good weeks but other than that this trade is horrible. But that is half of the fun with trading; speculating who got the better deal and then making fun of the perceived loser via GroupMe (i.e. any trade Ward is a part of).
A few things to note on this analysis:
Lincoln and Edwards started the season off with a trade before a game was played by trading two guys with names that make them sound like 90 year old white guys with Alzheimer’s. Since no games were played before this trade we can only look at the post trade numbers. When I first saw this trade I thought Jeff got a steal but Marvin Jones has actually had a decent season so far. That being said, Melvin Gordon has gone off 3 straight weeks and with the workload he has been getting looks to only be getting better.
This is where things get interesting. After week two Bianchi went in full panic mode. “Bold Move Cotton. Let’s see if it will pay off”. At the time this trade was risky for Bianchi especially considering that two weeks after this trade he dropped Dorsett. He dropped Dorsett to pick up Eddie Royle, dropped Royle a week later for Cameron Meredith, got a few good weeks with Meredith until Smokin Jay Cutler came back, and then dropped Meredith for Bonin Blake Bortles. (Sidebar – I really want someone to breakdown each and every move someone makes throughout the season. Sounds like a job for Knews…)
After all this it still seemed like a decent trade for Bilbo. Todd Gurley was a stud last year and after the first two weeks Will Fuller looked to be legit. Can we take a moment to talk about Will Fuller? What is up with the V? Is he Will Fuller the fifth? Is that what that is? Why the hell is that necessary? Is Will Fuller the first playing? No, he’s probably been dead for 60 years. The same goes for Steve Smith SR. Is that necessary? I looked it up. Steve Smith Jr. was born in 2014! Are we concerned that a toddler is going to make the Ravens practice squad, work his way onto the 53-man roster, suit up at wide out opposite his father, and everyone in stands is going to be confused because there are two Steve Smiths on the field at the same time! No because Steve Smith Jr is an f-ing baby!!!!
Back to the trade. Zeke turned out to be an absolute beast, Gurley average, and the rest is history. Bianchi not only got a few good weeks out of Will Fuller but also what looks like the best running back in the league. Over the course of the season this trade has netted Bianchi 16.5 more points per week. Advantage – Hairy Lumberjacks.
Yawn. Do we need to analyze this one. Pretty boring trade. Moncrief was hurt when Sully traded for him and has scored touchdowns in back-to-back weeks before a bye in Week 10. Floyd has been inconsistent and is currently sitting on the bench of Joe’s team which I can only image is filled with never ending rows of shots, has a strict no shirt policy, and is constantly bumping Girl Talk from 2009. Surprisingly, over the course of the season this trade has given Crispin 1.3 more points per week but with Moncrief back I think it could swing Sully’s way in the last few weeks of the season.
Poor Austin or should I say “the real Bamrick”. He trades away this season’s top tight end and receives Christine Michael who unexpectantly gets dropped by the Seahawks. Even after getting picked up by the Packers it doesn’t look good for Christine Michael. Plus he has two first names, one of which is a girl’s name, Christine. The only other person I can think of off the top of my head that has two first names, one of which is a girl’s name, is Dan Whitney and he is the absolute worst.
The Real Bamrick however can take solace in the fact that over the course of the whole season this trade is pretty balanced. He got good production from Olson and Rivers prior to the trade. I still think Bianchi go the better end of the deal though.
Bianchi loves him some trades. To date the numbers actually show that Bianchi got the better deal here. This is somewhat skewed however since he got some good production from Demaryius prior to the trade. As the season rolls on I expect the numbers to flip to a positive to Tex since Charles is Mr. Glass and on IR again this season. Pretty much a toss-up.
This is the most baffling trade to me. Granted The Real Bamrick only has had the Ravens for a week but who trades for a defense and then has said defense score 16 points. Oh, that’s right, the Ravens played the Browns last week. Austin must have really wanted to get rid of Duke Johnson Jr. and who can blame him. He plays for the Browns and has a f-ing JR on the back of his jersey! The Browns are the Susan Boyle of the NFL. Like Susan Boyle getting first place on Britain’s Got Talent and selling millions of records, the Browns will get first pick in the NFL draft and draft another quarterback. On second thought this analogy makes zero sense but since I’m not proofreading I refuse to delete it.
These last two trades happened last week so we are still in a wait and see mode. It is funny that Sully trades for Alshon and then a few days later he gets suspended for getting illegal butt injections or whatever he did. Sucks to suck Sully. However, he turned around and traded Alshon to Knews who is clearly counting on a playoff run with Smokin’ Jay Cutler throwing TD passes to Alshon and not the opposing defense. Good luck with that. If I’ve learned anything over the past 30 years it’s that just like their fans, the Bears suck.
By J. Knust
Path to the Playoffs:
Only four weeks remain in the regular season, and I feel comfortable making some playoff predictions. Below are the playoff outlooks for each team. Before going any further, I wanted to talk a bit about some of the conversations going on in the group chat and how those conversations relate to this article.
If your team is 3-6, you essentially have to win the next four games to get to 7-6 to make the playoffs. Let’s just assume that in each of those four games that the team has a 50% chance to win, which is probably generous for a team that is currently 3-6. This example is the same as flipping a coin four times trying to get four heads in a row, and the probability of that is 1/16. As far as I’m concerned, these are long enough odds to consider that team as having a negligible chance of reaching the required seven wins for locking up a playoff slot.
Now, it’s possible to back-door into the playoffs at 6-7, but this is unlikely. I looked back at the league history for league-years with twelve teams, and in seven different league-years, only two times did a 6-7 team make the playoffs. That being said, it’s more likely for a 4-5 team to back into the playoffs by finishing the last four games of the year 2-2 and make the playoffs at 6-7 than it is for a 2-7 team to finish 4-0 or a 3-6 team to finish 3-1 (the chances of a 3-6 team finishing 3-1 or better under our previous assumptions is 1/8).
Yes, 3-6 is still live, and so is 2-7, but I don’t currently have the time or energy to run a full projection, so I’ll stick to informed guesses and conventional wisdom. We’ll look back after each week when the number of possible scenarios shrinks. After the playoff write-up, I’ve included the current Power Rankings. The column second from the right shows which league each team was in last year. The column on the far right shows how relegation would happen for next year based on the current standings.
The Dregs (3-6 Teams):
The Franchise (Billy, 3-6)
I keep saying this, but Billy’s team has been the most disappointing in the league. All year, I thought his roster looked fine, or even good, but his team just kept pooping its collective pants. He’s broken 90-points only four times including just two times breaking 100-points. Is this the universe punishing him for his lack of franchise? Maybe. Probably. It’s probably time for Billy to treat himself to a Whopperito, then go into the shower, curl up in a ball, and have a nice, long cry.
Dallas Flying Fortress (Tex, 3-6)
This week’s match-up with Billy’s Anti-Franchise is perhaps the least impactful game of the season from a playoff perspective, but will hold a lot of implications for the relegation of these two teams (the loser is likely headed all the way down to Gold). Regardless of the outcome of this week’s game, Tex is not likely to finish strong against a solid schedule. To all of you, dear readers, let Tex’s season be a lesson to us all. Good luck in Gold or White, you tim’rous beastie.
Hawaii Humuhumu (Jeff, 3-6)
Not the easiest schedule remaining, but not the hardest. Either way, I don’t see Jeff ripping off four straight wins to secure a playoff slot. He might win the next two weeks, but then he runs into Crispin’s solid squad and the always-tough Tortugas. The Fighting Fishes have some firepower, and they are the one 3-6 team in the league that could pull it out. Currently, Jeff is the fourth-highest scoring team in the league, and a 3-1 finish would likely put him first among the 6-7 teams, and he’d be the one to make the playoffs if 6-7 was good enough. It’s possible, but he has to have a lot go right for him in order to make this happen.
The Bubble (4-5 Teams):
Uncle Abe (Lincoln, 4-5)
The “Bubble” teams are the toughest ones to evaluate. They essentially have to go 3-1 in the final four games to make the playoffs. Lincoln is in a tough spot. First, I don’t think his team is quite as good as others on the bubble. Second, he has to play Bogey and Crispin down the stretch, and he has to win one of those games. If he loses this week to Jeff, he has to win-out to make the postseason. Even if Doug Martin comes back and is productive, I don’t give him a great chance of making it.
Haarig Holzfallers (Bianchi, 4-5)
Now this is a brutal schedule to finish the year. The chances of finishing 3-1, even for our reigning champion, are very small. Interestingly, if he does go 3-1, the most important game to win is this week against Sullivan. He’s not likely to catch me or Bogey, so his one loss could be against one of us, and beating a fellow bubble team is really important. Ranking low in the Power Rankings, Bianchi making the play-offs and getting a chance to defend his title is unlikely at best.
Las Tortugas (Dave, 4-5)
Dave-O is in a good spot. He’s got a tough couple of weeks coming up, but if he wins both of them, he just has to get one win in the last two weeks against Tex and Jeff. If he only gets one of the next two, he has a good chance to sweep the last two against Tex and Jeff. I think that Dave-O has the highest chance to make the playoffs of any of the bubble teams.
Phuket Rippers (Sully, 4-5)
Sully’s Rippers are the team with the most control of their own destiny. Playing other teams on the bubble and teams just ahead in the standings is a great way to make up or lose ground quickly. Wins for Sully mean losses for other teams that are close to making the playoffs. It will be tough for him to go 3-1 and clinch a spot, but the result of the next three games for Sully will have more league-wide playoff implications that any other team.
The “Can they just hold on?” Brigade (5-4):
Tito LeeWoods Killers (B-Nels, 5-4)
5-4 is a scary spot. You’re so close. Just go 2-2 or better. That’s all you need if you’re in this category. B-Nels plays three bubble teams, and like Sullivan, he’ll affect the playoff picture more than most other teams. I’m actually really worried about B-Nels here. If he goes 1-3 and misses the playoffs, will we ever see or hear from him again?
The Mirthmobile (Bamrick, 5-4)
Here it is: the toughest remaining schedule. As with B-Nels, Bamrick just needs to go 2-2 or better to close the year, but the schedule is brutal. I can already imagine the all-caps, no-punctuation tirade in the group chat if Bam misses the playoffs after sliding to 6-7, and it’s horrifying to think about.
The Locks (6-3, 7-2):
Dual-Wielding Alpacas (Crispin, 6-3)
The chances that either of these 6-3 teams lose the remaining four games and miss the playoffs are so small that I am fine with calling them “locks”. Crispin’s team continues to perform better than I ever game him credit for early in the season, and he has a chance to compete for one of the coveted BYE slots in the playoffs. Looking at his schedule, I don’t see him finishing worse than 2-2, but could easily win-out against the weakest remaining schedule in the league.
Fighting Emus (Bogey, 6-3)
Bogey is also a veritable lock for the playoffs, and a win against me this week would give him a leg-up in the fight for a BYE slot. After this week, he faces a schedule through which he can cruise, and like Crispin, he could finish very strong.
Never Say Wombat (Knust, 7-2)
I’m happy (and lucky) to find myself at the top of the standings going into Week 10. At 7-wins, I’m an actual lock for the playoffs. I want one of those BYE slots, but I have a tough schedule to finish the season. This week’s match-up against Bogey is very important for the both of us, and could determine which of us goes into the playoffs with a week to rest our squads.
Post-Week-9 Power Rankings:
By D. Schuchmann
In reaction to Ray Allen’s letter to his younger self about life and basketball, I was inspired to write a letter to my son about...you guessed it, life and fantasy football.
I’m sorry that I failed you. Those may seem like harsh words to hear, but they are far more harsh to admit to. Now let me explain…
Your dad wasborn outside the great city of Chicago, to a humble midwestern family. He was the second of two sons and would only later learn how valuable it was to be in that position. Yes Chicago, the great windy city where the legends of Michael Jordan, Walter Payton and most recently the Cubs, provided the inspiration to thousands of eager adolescents to seek greatness among american sports. Yes Chicago, where your dad might’ve found a way to become Elite.
But it wasn’t to be, instead your grandparents moved to the middle of Iowa, even more midwestern of a place if ever one existed. Now Iowa is not a bad place to live, some call it God’s country. But as far as opportunity, it has little. The road to professional athleticism is much more daunting, and unlikely. Now your dad wasn’t born with two left feet. He was fortunate to be graced with underestimated talent, good speed and agility, and a fierce competitive edge. Jeff, a friend of your dad’s once asked him during a flag football game, “Dave, how do you get so many interceptions?” Your dad simply said, “the ball belongs to me.” See with hard work and that determination your dad was able to become an above average athlete, one of the best in the state of Iowa. This was a good start, but there was one flaw…...his sport happened to be american soccer.
And this is where I failed you, however unlikely it was to become a professional athlete in any of the great american sports, your dad chose to pursue soccer. If you’re not born in South America you might as well spend your life operating a banana stand rather than pursue professional soccer. Because at least then, you might stand a chance to profit from a banana stand.
Since you found this post on a fantasy football archived website of what appears to be a group of flamboyant friends from college, you might be wondering what this story has to do with fantasy football.
Well that is where the story ends. Because of your dad’s failures to fall short of becoming a professional athlete, he and many like him, have turned to playing fantasy football. Yes FANTASY SPORTS. We couldn’t do it for real, so we pretend. It’s a world in which we pretend to be something we are not, to compete against other fantasy owners in a world that takes more than it gives, season after season , just filled with disappointment. Why did your first round draft pick tear his acl? Why did your stud running back tear his acl? Why did you sure thing QB tear his acl? Why did that weird kid draft two kickers? It’s a world where far too many questions go unanswered, leaving you 5-8 and missing the playoffs, again and again and again. You feel as if you can’t be relegated any more than you already have been. Even if the commissioner decides to change the rules which may actually bump you a league up, it doesn’t matter, you didn’t earn it. You can’t look anyone in the eye at the draft that year so you drink enough fireball until you have the ability to look everyone in the eye at the same time. The hope of a winning season fades as fast as you throw up in a hotel bathroom.
This letter may seem sad or depressing, but there is hope. There is hope in the fact that you may learn from my mistakes. That you can devote your time to the research and data that has become exponential. That you can swarm fantasy football leagues of the future and conquer them with vengeance. That you can do what your dad has not. That you can rise in the rankings and solidify your place in delt fantasy football history. That is my prayer.
In other knews I destroyed Tieds this week. Yah fantasy!
By A. Bamrick
Here we are folks, week 9 and injuries are STILL piling up. I love it. At this point in the season, your fuckin starters are out for the year, their backup is out for 4-6 weeks, THEIR backup just got his head cut off driving too close to a taco bell drive in window, and the 4th dude up is some fat guy they grabbed from the stands who was given the bloody and battered pads just pulled off the dead body getting wheeled out a few feet away. This is football folks. Breathing on someone is a 15 yard penalty yet everyone is still breaking their knees and pullin hammies. If you thought the waiver wire was bare in week 5, then all hope has been lost by this point and you are probably starting a least one guy who is projected to get 3 points. LETS GET INTO IT.
OUT FOR FORESEEABLE FUTURE
Ben “walking fart” Rothelaesburger missed a week plus a bye week due to needing surgery on his knee but rumor is he will return shortly. The best WR in the league Antonio Brown is no doubt pumped to have bothelssberer back calling the shots, as his numbers have always taken a hit when Landry Jones has been under center. Mostly because even though the steelers still let him hang out, nobody cares about landry so they just make him hand the ball off to Bell and then when he gets back to the sideline they give him a fuckin wedgie and take a picture to send his girlfriend. Fun Fact: Ben Roethlisberger backwards is spelled the same frontwards.
Carlos Hyde has been out a few weeks with an apparent shoulder injury. Carlos hyde is a piece of shit who decided to go off for 20 points when Bogey played me and then has scored 5 points, since then, ruining the best games of David Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, and Theo Riddick had this year and causing me to lose. Fuck carlos hyde I hope he gets hit by an airplane while he is dropping his kid off at school or some shit whatever.
Matt Jones has been out a few weeks after suffering a knee injury. Matt Jones is the only running back Tex has besides Deangelo Williams and matt forte, and tex still has 100 bucks worth of free agent money and has decided to just start Deangelo Williams instead of spending any of that on a potential replacement. Still has dan bailey and Hauschka though ayyyy lmao.
Jeff lost to this btw. Anyway feel better Matt!
Dwayne “Leshawndrick” Allen suffered an ankle injury that conveniently happened during the week I played Tex. He has been out since then and isn’t scheduled to return this week. Before the injury Dwayne had only two good games so it probably isn’t a huge deal to most, but anyone named Dwayne is normally a nice dude who just wants to toss the ol pigskin around and have a catch or two ya know? Just chill back with Dwayne and puff a heater and throw the ol skin and just be dudes being dudes.
Jaquizz Rodgers left the Oakland game with a foot injury and will not be playing this week. As the 3rd running back for tampa bay to go down, tampa bay has ran out of running backs and is officially folding the organization. We will review all remaining options, liquidate assets including literally liquidating our players, and once the board has made an executive decision we will let you know ok? Stop fucking bothering us we have a business to think about its not all x’s and o’s. Bunch of hyeenas out here goddamn.
OUT FOR YEAR
Charles Sims actually went on IR after week 4 and I just forgot about him so I’m very sorry to him and his family. Sims was filling in for an injured Doug Martin that still has not returned and it was determined that Sims had to be put down. He went peacefully in his sleep and will be liquidated along with the rest of the tampa organization at the end of the year.
Eric Decker was placed on IR way back in like week 5 and will not be returning this season after needing hip surgery. Since the surgery, decker has recorded back to back to back to back to back ZERO point outings. It’s safe to say he sucks ass and should no longer be considered “not droppable” in most leagues, unless you are desperate due to the heavy bye week. ESPN projection: 8/79/.5TD
Edward “Evelynn Cheeseburger” Lacy has been placed on IR after he ate so many fucking cheeseburgers that his tiny ankles could no longer handle the massive bulk of his fat ass rumbling around. I don’t know how you could be in a running back position and still gain weight every year but this guy proved that anything is possible. Follow your dreams kids and you too can crush your ankles under the weight of your own soft shitty body.
Andre Johnson has announced his retirement and will be done for not just the year but like the REST OF HIS LIFE. One of the best receivers of all time, I picked him up in one of my leagues last year for the one game he caught a touchdown pass in and it won me the game. Thank you for all the wins you’ve given fantasy owners over your storied career Andre, I couldn’t have finished in 4th place last year without you.
Ur FuCKin MOM
Ur fuckin mom is out for the rest of the year after we got done knockin boots last weekend. Notable accomplishments for ur mom before she went out were:
By M. Sullivan
With the second half of the season upcoming, I went back and graded the President’s League drafts based solely on their back half selections. It’s pretty hard to really screw up the first few rounds, and based on what we knewst at the time, I don’t think you could argue anyone did. I believe that the late-round picks better reflect the quality of a particular draft. Underneath my grade I’ve also included the grade Dave-o immediately following the draft as well as the team’s scoring rank so far. Keep in mind that I get 8 weeks worth of data to use in hindsight to make these grades.
Bogey – Tavon Austin, Jason Witten, Gary Barnidge, James Starks, Jets defense, Derek Carr, Dan Bailey, Terrance Williams. 1 still on his roster
Gary Barnidge has had a solid year but got dropped a couple weeks back. All that remains is week 8 winner Derek Carr.
My grade: C
Initial grade: B
Scoring rank: 1
Knust – Charles Sims, Jay Ajayi, Darren Sproles, Sammie Coates, Kamar Aiken, Chris Johnson, Devontae Booker, Spencer Ware. 3 still on his roster.
The three remaining players on Knust’s roster are now all likely top 10 running backs for the rest of the season. Doesn’t matter, though, as he forgot to draft a QB, TE, K, or defense, so his whole season is invalid based on bylaw 7.10.1.
My grade: F-
Initial grade: F-
Scoring rank: 2
A Bamrick – Stefon Diggs, Theo Riddick, Philip Rivers, Markus Wheaton, Chiefs defense, Andy Dalton, Charcandrick West, Justin Tucker. 2 still on his roster
Bam was able to package Philip Rivers in a deal to get Christine Michael. Good value with Diggs and even better with Riddick, even if he refuses to start him when he puts up 20+ points.
My grade: A-
Initial grade: B
Scoring rank: 3
Dave Taylor – Tom Brady, Corey Coleman, DeAndre Washington, Wendell Smallwood, Bengals defense, Kirk Cousins, Rishard Matthews, Adam Vinatieri. 2 still on his roster
Not a great hit rate here, but good enough. I think the lesson for next year is draft Tom Brady, draft Adam Vinatieri, log out.
My grade: C
Initial grade: B+
Scoring rank: 4
J. Edwards – Marvin Jones, Bilal Powell, Isaiah Crowell, Devin Funchess, Panthers defense, Eric Ebron, Buck Allen, Chris Boswell. 2 still on his roster
Unfortunately for Jeff, Marvin Jones has cooled off since his hot start, and he wasn’t able to ride those weeks to many wins. Crowell is never somebody you feel great starting, and if someone with more ambition than me were to go back and look at Jeff’s track record in starting him correctly, I’m guessing it would mirror his disappointing record.
My grade: B+
Initial grade: B
Scoring rank: 5
Crispin – Seahawks defense, Stephen Gostkowski, Shane Vereen, Steve Smith Sr., Mike Wallace, Matthew Stafford, Kenny Britt, Pierre Garcon. 5 still on his roster
Mike Wallace has had some good weeks, but so far Joe is 1 for 4 in guessing correctly in starting him on those weeks, which is the issue of owning Mike Wallace. Crispin went with a defense and kicker in rounds 8 and 9 and currently sits in 6th place. That alone should be enough to debunk this entire piece.
My grade: D+
Initial grade: B+
Scoring rank: 6
Sullivan – TJ Yeldon, Tevin Coleman, LeGarrette Blount, Antonio Gates, Phillip Dorsett, Jerick McKinnon, Jameis Winston, Bruce Ellington. 4 still on his roster
Some good running back value in Coleman, Blount, and McKinnon (?).
My grade: B+
Initial grade: C+
Scoring rank: 7
Tex – DeAngello Williams, Torrey Smith, Blake Bortles, Broncos defense, Dwayne Allen, Steven Hauschka, Laquon Treadwell, Rams defense. 5 are still on his roster (but so was Eric Decker at the time of this writing, so take that with a grain of salt)
Tex was smart to pick up DeAngello and get a few weeks of starter production out of him. Otherwise, pretty slim pickings for our hubristic hero.
My grade: C+
Initial grade: B-
Scoring rank: 8
B-Nels- Zach Ertz, Derrick Henry, Michael Thomas, Jordan Howard, Cardinals defense, Charles Clay, Mohamed Sanu, Chris Hogan. 4 still on his roster
Except for possibly the tight ends, B-Nels didn’t really miss on any of these picks.
My grade: A-
Initial grade: A-
Scoring rank: 9
Bianchi – Carson Palmer, Willie Snead, CJ Prosise, Kendall Wright, Christine Michael, Darren McFadden, Karlos Williams, Dorial Green-Beckham. 1 still on his roster
Traded Christine Michael and others to get Philip Rivers and Greg Olsen. Otherwise, Willie Snead is all that remains. Kendall Wright flashed this week, though, and is sure to break the hearts of everyone chasing that dragon next week.
My grade: B
Initial grade: B+
Scoring rank: 10
Lincoln – Justin Forsett, Josh Gordon, Vincent Jackson, Travis Benjamin, Tyrod Taylor, Jimmy Graham, Mason Crosby, Packers defense. 2 still on his roster
Out of these, Travis Benjamin filled in with a few big weeks, but now appears to be injured, and Jimmy Graham has been a top 10 tight end.
My grade: B-
Initial grade: B+
Scoring rank: 11
B. Edwards – Kevin White, Eli Manning, Alfred Morris, Martellus Bennett, Tony Romo, Texans defense, Tyler Boyd, Chandler Catanzaro. 2 still on his roster
A handful of good weeks from Martellus Bennett and the hope that Zeke goes down are all there is to see here.
My grade: C-
Initial grade: A-
Scoring rank: 12
So what does this mean? Probably only that I’m now eligible for a $50 drawing.
The year is 2014. The brisk winter winds engulf the nation. Children huddle against their mothers next to crackling fires seeking warmth and security. In another corner of the country, Taylor Zachar whimpers to his wife. “Why did it have to be me? I work so hard and my team should be dominant. My fucking RB 1 has completely underperformed and no matter how many articles I read in the Knews about streaming kickers, I just can’t turn it into points!”
“There, there,” his wife consoles him. “At least you’re getting your year of pissboyhood out of the way early. What are the odds you could possibly repeat this feat? I mean, it’s more statistically probable to win your league!” A wave of warmth washes over Taylor, and winter slowly melts into a gorgeous spring. “She’s right,” He mutters to himself. “This league is going to be my bitch.”
Fast forward a mere two years, and the walls of his already shaky existence are crumbling to the ground. Thoughts of suicide creep into his mind hourly, and he clings to the idea that he just might avoid the Piss Boy crown with a few more wins. But hope…hope is a fragile thing. In week 8, Taylor found out exactly just how brittle it is.
In a painfully mediocre affair, the Sawed Off’s, lead by scrappy and innovative young manager Ben Freese, mercifully decapitated the Corsairs. History will remember this as a kind act, for man has no business colluding with that tempting mistress, hope.
Long after the monuments of mankind have crumbled, when the skyscrapers have fallen and the D League is no more, let history remember that Ben Freese put the final nail in Taylor Zachar’s Piss Boy coffin.
2018 Assist Raffle Tracker
T. Shannon - 24
J. Edwards - 1