Upper Decker vs The Mirthmobile
Imagine dear reader if you will: two former championship teams facing off for the first time in a year. One coming off the most frustrating loss you could think of (getting raped by t-mike after he lost like 35 guys in the first week), the other fresh off of glorious victory in one of the most stunning upsets in program history (think ISU vs OkieState 2011). Now imagine those teams are actually shitty and are battling for being .500 on the year and one of them used their 3rd round pick on fucking lamar miller.
1.) Is drew brees going to play?
2.) Am I really starting two players from the browns over lamar miller?
3.) Should lamar miller be nuked into the sun?
1.) Yes and will drop 40 points on my ass
2.) Yes, see #3
Prediction: Tie. Upper decker gets another huge week from Green and Steve Smith, while AP and Mike Evans tear shit up for the Mirth.
Final Score: 12-12
Backalley Bootleggers vs Duncombe Demons
Here we have two 2-1 teams in a fairy epic matchup of which team is going to have a player that has hit 30 points in a week completely shit all over themselves. Will it be Carolos Hyde, who after his massive breakout in week 1 decided to literally fuck his own face the next two weeks? Or will it be....oh wait blount is on a bye. Have fun Denton!
1.5.)How is Tmike's team 2-1 with Dez bryant and Jordy Nelson out for eternity? What is wrong with you people?
2.) Is there a guy who plays in the NFL named Ted Ginn Jr or is ESPN fucking with me?
3.) What would it take for people to stop having Darren McFadden on their fantasy teams?
1.5)This cannot be answered. Could be a sign that the Matrix is failing and we all have a very finite amount of time remaining anyway so who cares.
2.) No there is not.
3.) He would have to be dead, and even then give it a year or two of morons picking him up off waivers.
Prediction: all signs point to a dominating win from the bootleggers. Instead i have Derek Carr through a glitch accidentally throwing the ball so far it lands in minnesota's stadium where Charles Johnson happens to catch it in the endzone, the massive amount of points giving t-mike the win by .5 .
Final score: 100-100.5 (t-mikes scores read 100.5, 0,0,0,0,0,0,0,0).
Arnie's Pizza Shop vs Las Tortugas
Logan's team is so fucking bad that LeSean Mcoy is actually projected to get negative zero points. When you getting 86 points total in the week, projected, hinges on CJ ANDERSON getting 13 of them, you know you are in for some deep shit. I award you no points, and may god have mercy on your soul.
1.) Can most of Logan's players hit their average instead of their projections? If so it might be close ish? Maybe? I'm not going to do the math.
2.) Will Jordan Matthews or Jarvis Landry get the only reception Ryan Tannehil manages to squirt out of his ass? Could be a difference maker folks.
3.) Can Devonta Freeman continue to actually get away with murder on the field?
1.) Yea i think so, with the exception of LeSean McCoy who is now just a blackhole after somehow managing negative 0 points.
2.) Jarvis probably, I hear he's into that stuff
3.) Its not every day your flex player outscores your starters by like 20, so no. He'll be good though.
Prediction: the horse is dead Davo. Beat it.
Final Score: 83-378
Haarig Holzfallers vs Swamp Donkeys
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAH SUCK MY FUCKING DICK LARRY FITZGERALD. Now that that's out of the way lets get going. When one team is averaging over 130 a week, and the other's highest week was...90, things don't look good. But you can't give up hope TJ. What are the chances he scores 130 4 WEEKS IN A ROW?
1.) What are the chances Bianchi scores 130 for the 4th week in a row?
2.) What if Bianchi, who has now scored 130 3 times in 3 tries, does it again?
3.) Adam Bianchi, who has scored fucking 130 god damn points 3 times in a row now, COULD do it again this week. Will he?
1.) Slim to none
2.) He won't so who cares
Prediction: Swamp donkeys take it in a landslide
Final score: 130-132
Uncle Abe vs Phuket Rippers
If this were a contest for worlds most boring fantasy football team name i'd just give you the trophy right now Lincoln. But it isn't so here we are. Both these teams look pretty solid, and the projections have Lincoln coming out on top even though he is employing the "they can't hurt us if we don't let them in" strategy of not playing a defense. I think this matchup boils down to 9 things, and they are: can each player on each team outscore the other? I bet everyone is glad I'm writing this.
1.) Will LeVeon carry the rock 40 times to make up for Mike Vick being complete shit?
2.) Can Eifert get back on his horse after joining the "I'm a clownshoe" club of people who have scored 0 points this year?
3.) Can the bronco's D outscore the no defense Abe has?
1.) No doubt about it that boy is bad.
2.) Its a pretty sweet club so he might want to become and officer but to do that you need to have multiple 0's. Ask Nelson Agholor who's come pretty close.
3.) It'll be close but no.
Prediction: I think the Phukets take it, only because they have an actual team name and are playing a defense, as opposed to not playing one, which is what Lincoln is doing if you remember.
Final Score: 110-120
Never Say Wombat vs Dallas Dictators
Ahhh last but certainly not least (unless we're talking about Jameson's team), the Dictators vs Never Say Wombat. The matchup everyone has been waiting for. Jameson's team seems to be a bit of an anomoly. On paper it looks fairly intimidating, but due to some insanely bad luck sits here at 0-3 with the pizza shop. What do you say to someone who took Jonathan Stewart as their RB2? You say "at least you didn't draft lamar miller like a fucking MORON" and hope that helps.
It doesn't though.
1.) What the hell is going on with Marshawn Lynch?
2.) How does a kicker show up on the injury report?
3.) Will the age old strategy of playing whatever defense plays Jacksonville pay off big time for the Dictators?
1.) Reports indicate a dick injury. Thats it.
2.) Dan was laying some wood if you get what I'm sayin huehuehuehue
3.) No, see: Miami week 2.
Prediction: I think the Dictators get a win this week strictly because my team took a massive dump on my chest when I played Wombat and I'm still pissed at lamar miller for it.
Final Score: 115-123
2018 Assist Raffle Tracker
T. Shannon - 24
J. Edwards - 1