By J. Edwards
#1 Executive Committee (+7.8) vs #2 Phuket Rippers (-7.8)
Both teams finished the season 10-3, with Heldt riding a seven game win streak heading into the playoffs. However, the last time these teams faced off was Week 3 when Sully said 'Phuket', ripping Heldt's dong off by ~50 points and turning Heldt into a Thai ladyboi (Heldt - beware of D Ren). This time around, both teams have a different look after losing players to IR. With a patient investment in Ezekiel Elliot, look for Sully to ride the #freezeke movement to the championship title. Another year of hearing "THE CHAMP IS HERE".
#5 Uncle Abe (+3.5) vs #1 Rogue Squadron (-3.5)
Like President's League, Week 3 showcased the championship matchup where Rogue Squadron took down 137.2 to 100.5. Good shooting, Wedge. The main captains of Hanks' Rogue Squadron - Tom Brady, Todd Gurley, Mark Ingram, Antonio Brown and Nuk Hopkins - have been taking down tie-fighters consistently all year. Hanks has been the death star this year, scoring the most points of any team across all leagues. Even though Hanks is without AB84 for the championship game, Lincoln will still need a "one-in-a-million shot" to take down the death star.
#1 Hawaii Humuhumu (+4.9) vs #2 Arnie's Pizza Shop (-4.9)
The two top teams in White League met twice during the regular season, splitting the series 1-1. With Antonio Bryant out, Logan will be counting on a big game from Leveon Bell. I'm hoping that Russell Wilson is going above and beyond the call of duty, extending No Nut November well into December where he will blow a five TD load in Week 16. Otherwise, I'll need Carlos Hyde and Dez Bryant to quit being mediocre asshats and act like they get paid millions of dollars to play a game. Otherwise, the Humuhumus will be in the Pit of Misery, instead of Hawaii, while Logan enjoys a slice of glory at Arnie's Pizza Shop. Dilly dilly.
#6 Hangry Hippos (-3.2) vs #1 Swamp Donkeys (+3.2)
The Swamp Donkeys and Hangry Hippos met in Week 8, where TJ donkey-punched Kenny 130.8 to 114.2. However, this time around, Kenny's 7-6 Hippos are favored against TJ's Swamp Donkey's, the second highest scoring team on the season across all leagues. Like Edwards, Kenny is relying on a big game from Russ Wilson. Unlike Edwards, Kenny is also relying on players like Mohamed Sanu, Julius Thomas, and Samarje Perine as starters. SAD. Look for the Donkeys to rise from the Swamp-y piss water of Gold League, winning the championship on the backs of Gurley and Kamara, and ascend to President's League for 2018.
2018 Assist Raffle Tracker
T. Shannon - 24
J. Edwards - 1