It’s draft day. You’ve paid your 100 dollars to our glorious commish (plus the extra 20 for the league site, 10 for using groupme I guess, 5 dollar startup fee for the new guys, 50 bucks for your franchise, 15 for having a letter in your name that also will be in my niece’s name, 10 dollars for projectors that we aren’t using but instead will be using draft boards so oops here is 7.50 back, 9 dollar notreadingyourfuckingemail fee, 600 for the draft weekend, and 900 to bail Dusty out of jail) and you are ready to dominate. First round comes and boom you have the best running back in the league. Second round and you hit that fatty WR1 that you just know is gonna blow up (fuck you Sammy Watkins goddamn I am a retard). Third round ok you hit another RB cause well shucks they are goin fast. Fourth round you get your WR2 and baby this team is getting to be 160+points a week nasty. By the last round you finish all over the table while looking directly into the eyes of the other 11 people unfortunate enough to battle you each and every week. You’ve done it. You drafted a championship caliber team.
You get wasted in glorious celebration at the bar, steal 3 or 4 of benda’s credit cards, and relish in the glow of a future hosting that magnificent trophy. You blackout cause blacking out rules deal with it nerds.
Sunday morning. After breakfast you check your phone and see some news about some of your players. Your stomach drops. Your WR1 has been cut in half in the endzone at practice by two tacklers because he is a 90 pound boy that shouldn’t have even been on the field in the first place and the qb you drafted broke his pinky once in 5th grade so he’s out for the season. You don’t think about the guy who’s torso is being sent back to his mother. No. You only seethe with rage and demand answers from the football gods who allowed you to draft such a dominate team only to snatch it away from you.
But what about those players? What about those guys that go out there and know in the back of their head “Ok. I need to catch one more ball. If I don’t make this play, Davo doesn’t score that one extra point he needs to beat that dickface Bamrick. Here we go. Ok I’m open. I’m wide open but jesus Christ Kirk isn’t even looking at me. HEY. HEY OVER HERE YOU FUCKIN RETARD. I’M RIGHT HEEAH. IM RIGHT HEAH CMON, CMON WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FORAAAHHHH. CMON” (update on espn: Kirk cousins pass incomplete to Washington). What about those guys that lay it all on the line for 6 minutes and then break their knee and writhe in agony until someone shovels them off the turf into a golf cart past millions of fans? Where is there memorial?
It is here ladies and gentleman.
OUT FOR THE FORESEEABLE FUTURE
Mr. Abdullah is out for at least the next few weeks after suffering a foot injury that required surgery. Mr. Abdullah also went to Nebraska, which you would think would be suffering enough but apparently God thought otherwise. Here’s to hoping Abdullah retires and has a fine life so Theo Riddick can get all the carries that are his by birthright.
Dougie Fresh Martin is out for the next 3 weeks minimum with a hamstring injury. Look how happy he is with that helmet on. I hope doug has a very happy recovery time and can get back to averaging 3 yards a carry with gusto.
Donte Moncrief is out 4-6 weeks due to a fractured shoulder blade which sounds pretty goddamn painful I must say. Before the injury he was quite the weapon for Andrew Luck, who is not injured but probably should be so nobody has to watch him hand the ball off to the ground over and over again on national television.
Arian Foster is currently sidelined with a hamstring injury. Arian foster has had injury problems his entire 70 year career, and it appears the gigantic whores that run around Miami did not have the magical healing effect on him that the dolphins GM had hoped.
Jonathon Stewart (or “Jonathon Stewart” as he is affectionately known) has also suffered a hamstring injury and will out for a few weeks. A wellknown 4th round draft pick from pretty much everyone who hits the fourth round and is like “uhhhhh fuuuuckinnnnnn ok I’ll grab that guy why not”, I’m sure he will be missed by many.
Robert Gronkowski has been out for the past two weeks and will still not play this week due to a hamstring injury. As the 3rd person on this list with a hamstring, I move to remove the hamstring from all football players’ bodies to prevent any more of this from happening. Anyone who drafted him in the first/second round has had a sweaty butthole I am sure since the news broke, so we look forward to getting those cleaned up upon his return.
Christopher “NineTails” Ivory has been out since the beginning of the season with an undisclosed illness. When dealing with illnesses, it is always important to have a positive attitude and laugh a lot. I’m sure Chris is laughing a lot while in the hospital watching his teammates attempt to play the game of football!
Mr. Eifert was sidelined with offseason surgery during the off season and even though it is now the actual season he still hasn’t decided to participate in the season. Show some effort Tyler, people are counting on you.
Jamaal Charles has been out since last year when he tore his ACL (his second year in 3 years) in like the 3rd or 4th week or some shit. It is currently unknown on if he will play this week or not, since the fattest man alive is being awfully shady about it. Getting him back on the field will be glorious for all involved, however who knows how much that dank ass spencer ware will be involved. That dude rocks.
OUT FOR THE YEAR
Adrian Peterson, first round draft pick for most and one of the best running backs to ever play the game, has torn his shit up and is now going to be out for the entirety of the fantasy season. While he struggled mightily in the first two weeks of the season, there was no doubt in my mind he was about to truck some assholes and make people look silly. The dude was a beast (and also hit his kid in the dick with a switch). Losing Peterson hurts owners dearly, but I am sure it hurts him and his family more (but probably not as much as getting whacked in your peeper with a stick by a guy the size of a dumpster). Losing someone as dominating as this hurts, especially to a team that already lost another guy who will appear on this list. But there is hope for the Vikings in the form of a guy named Diggs and another named Bradford (lul).
Before going down with a season ending injury, this man single handedly saved my sorry ass team from not making the playoffs last year. This guy right here…this guy…he fucks. No doubt about it. Dion went down quickly after our draft when it was determined that some clownshoe doctor didn’t do his job correctly and he needed a second surgery to repair the acl he tore last year. It is uncertain if Dion will return by the end of the fantasy season, so it’s something to keep an eye on when you feel like looking at your phone instead of driving.
Keenan Allen has torn his ACL for the second time in his short career, and it was a tear felt by all 6 chargers fan in the country that had hopes that a fully healthy roster could make some waves this year. I had the fortunate pleasure of playing against Sully’s team who had allen go down with a measly 9 points. I also had the unfortunate pleasure of playing against Sully’s team who still scored 135 more points on top of that. Anyway, those that drafted Allen (or Rivers for that matter) are sure to be hurting, but look at it this way: at least you have both your knees. Unlike Allen. Again. He’s only like 24 or some shit. Jesus Christ.
Teddy Bridgewater, or “The Great White Hope” as Minnesota fans call him (probably), was lost to injury during practice before his breakout year could begin. Once news broke out he was done for, you could actually hear the entire state of Minnesota sigh and crawl back into their igloos. Most people probably didn’t grab teddy until the later rounds so this isn’t a huge thing fantasy wise, but still a massive blow to the Vikings since now they literally have Sam Bradford as their starting qb (lul).
Danny “Brings his hardhat and lunch pail to work every day, leader in the locker room, high motor, gives his all 100% of the time, does things the right way, puts the team before himself, never takes a play off, guy you look for when the goin gets tough, local kid just living his dream” Woodhead
This tweet from the last time this happened says enough. Almost. After a week one explosion and looking at the start of the second game, there is no doubt about it Danny would have been the #1 RB in all of fantasy football by the end of the year. However. Danny saw that his best bud Keenan Allen was in pain on the sideline, and after rushing with the ball 3 times for 21 yards (that’s 7 yards a carry you pussies. Eat your fuckin heart out every running back drafted in the first 5 rounds) he realized that jacksonville was so terrible he wouldn’t be needed on the field any longer. He knew his team would not only win the game without him, they would dominate. He knew that someone else needed him more, someone who just had his heart torn from him along with his knee. So Danny did the one thing he had to do, he made a sacrifice. But not just any sacrifice. He made the same sacrifice Allen had made just 7 days prior, and he gave his knee for not just Allen on that day, but for all of us. Danny was the best of us. RIP Danny.
2018 Assist Raffle Tracker
T. Shannon - 24
J. Edwards - 1