By A. Bamrick
Here we are folks, week 9 and injuries are STILL piling up. I love it. At this point in the season, your fuckin starters are out for the year, their backup is out for 4-6 weeks, THEIR backup just got his head cut off driving too close to a taco bell drive in window, and the 4th dude up is some fat guy they grabbed from the stands who was given the bloody and battered pads just pulled off the dead body getting wheeled out a few feet away. This is football folks. Breathing on someone is a 15 yard penalty yet everyone is still breaking their knees and pullin hammies. If you thought the waiver wire was bare in week 5, then all hope has been lost by this point and you are probably starting a least one guy who is projected to get 3 points. LETS GET INTO IT.
OUT FOR FORESEEABLE FUTURE
Ben “walking fart” Rothelaesburger missed a week plus a bye week due to needing surgery on his knee but rumor is he will return shortly. The best WR in the league Antonio Brown is no doubt pumped to have bothelssberer back calling the shots, as his numbers have always taken a hit when Landry Jones has been under center. Mostly because even though the steelers still let him hang out, nobody cares about landry so they just make him hand the ball off to Bell and then when he gets back to the sideline they give him a fuckin wedgie and take a picture to send his girlfriend. Fun Fact: Ben Roethlisberger backwards is spelled the same frontwards.
Carlos Hyde has been out a few weeks with an apparent shoulder injury. Carlos hyde is a piece of shit who decided to go off for 20 points when Bogey played me and then has scored 5 points, since then, ruining the best games of David Johnson, Larry Fitzgerald, and Theo Riddick had this year and causing me to lose. Fuck carlos hyde I hope he gets hit by an airplane while he is dropping his kid off at school or some shit whatever.
Matt Jones has been out a few weeks after suffering a knee injury. Matt Jones is the only running back Tex has besides Deangelo Williams and matt forte, and tex still has 100 bucks worth of free agent money and has decided to just start Deangelo Williams instead of spending any of that on a potential replacement. Still has dan bailey and Hauschka though ayyyy lmao.
Jeff lost to this btw. Anyway feel better Matt!
Dwayne “Leshawndrick” Allen suffered an ankle injury that conveniently happened during the week I played Tex. He has been out since then and isn’t scheduled to return this week. Before the injury Dwayne had only two good games so it probably isn’t a huge deal to most, but anyone named Dwayne is normally a nice dude who just wants to toss the ol pigskin around and have a catch or two ya know? Just chill back with Dwayne and puff a heater and throw the ol skin and just be dudes being dudes.
Jaquizz Rodgers left the Oakland game with a foot injury and will not be playing this week. As the 3rd running back for tampa bay to go down, tampa bay has ran out of running backs and is officially folding the organization. We will review all remaining options, liquidate assets including literally liquidating our players, and once the board has made an executive decision we will let you know ok? Stop fucking bothering us we have a business to think about its not all x’s and o’s. Bunch of hyeenas out here goddamn.
OUT FOR YEAR
Charles Sims actually went on IR after week 4 and I just forgot about him so I’m very sorry to him and his family. Sims was filling in for an injured Doug Martin that still has not returned and it was determined that Sims had to be put down. He went peacefully in his sleep and will be liquidated along with the rest of the tampa organization at the end of the year.
Eric Decker was placed on IR way back in like week 5 and will not be returning this season after needing hip surgery. Since the surgery, decker has recorded back to back to back to back to back ZERO point outings. It’s safe to say he sucks ass and should no longer be considered “not droppable” in most leagues, unless you are desperate due to the heavy bye week. ESPN projection: 8/79/.5TD
Edward “Evelynn Cheeseburger” Lacy has been placed on IR after he ate so many fucking cheeseburgers that his tiny ankles could no longer handle the massive bulk of his fat ass rumbling around. I don’t know how you could be in a running back position and still gain weight every year but this guy proved that anything is possible. Follow your dreams kids and you too can crush your ankles under the weight of your own soft shitty body.
Andre Johnson has announced his retirement and will be done for not just the year but like the REST OF HIS LIFE. One of the best receivers of all time, I picked him up in one of my leagues last year for the one game he caught a touchdown pass in and it won me the game. Thank you for all the wins you’ve given fantasy owners over your storied career Andre, I couldn’t have finished in 4th place last year without you.
Ur FuCKin MOM
Ur fuckin mom is out for the rest of the year after we got done knockin boots last weekend. Notable accomplishments for ur mom before she went out were:
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