Last night marked the start of week 5 of the fantasy football season. By now, most teams have shored up the major holes that pre-season and early season injuries have left to their rosters. By now, most people are probably thinking to themselves that the worst is over. By now, most people are wrong.
You see children, fantasy football does not care about you. It exists only to watch you bleed. And as you bleed fantasy football feeds and it grows and it takes over your mind and your life. All day every day you do math in your head trying to see how much more you need to beat your opponent. Who to play. Who to trade. You think back to week 2 when you scored 150 and now you can’t even break 90 and you don’t know why. Your girlfriend calls and you seem distracted. Not distracted because she is breaking up with you but because you are watching Odell Beckham Jr attempt to catch balls thrown by a possibly retarded five year old in a helmet that’s too big and you only need 2 points from OBJ in the last half of the game but he isn’t going to get there.
“What?” you ask her.
“It’s over, Christ I feel like I’m talking to myself even now.”
“Sorry, bit distracted and this is all a lot to process”
“I’m sorry I have to do this”
“Because I can’t talk to you!”
“I wasn’t asking you. I was asking Eli Manning why he has befriended the fucking GROUND as his favorite target of 2016.”
If you thought the worst was over, you were wrong. Injuries and suspensions and rehab are calling your players from the beyond. From OUT THERE. And they will answer, and they will leave you broken and bleeding and they will laugh.
OUT FOR THE FORSEABLE FUTURE
Carson “Concussion Countdown” Palmer got knocked in the noggin last week and is currently still in the NFL’s concussion protocol. He did not play last night and from what I gather only has another concussion left before he dies. Just like reggie ray, I (and larry fitzgerald) don’t care what you have to do, Carson Palmer stays in the game goddammit.
OUT FOR THE YEAR
Shane Vereen is out for the rest of the season after tearing his tricep, one of the weirdest fucking things ive ever heard. Like what the fuck man what were you doing to tear your tricep? Anyway, the giants are a mess with Rashad Jennings also missing a game and Eli manning missing part of his shithead brain, so with Vereen down I think it’s safe to put the nail in the coffin on their season.
I must confess, I literally have no idea who Kevin White is. The bears are terrible. He’s out for the year apparently and that is bad for someone who had him as well as the terrible bears. Get better Kevin/Bears!
Sammy “lol wat” Watkins has decided to undergo surgery on his toe that had been limiting him in participation for the past few weeks. He will be out the rest of the year to recover. Sammy was an explosive deep threat last year when healthy, causing many genius owners to draft him a round earlier than he probably should have gone. Not your fault Sammy, many 5-7 year old children sometimes stub their toes and it hurts very bad indeed. Watkins will provide each fantasy owner with a personalized note from his mother when he is ready to come back to school.
Mr. Gordon has decided to enter rehab in the hopes of kicking his marijuana habit. Marijuana is fun and the NFL needs to get the gigantic stick out if its ass and let people smoke if they want, since it probably helps with the chronic migraines that happen when you run you head into men wearing fucking plate armor that are also 260 pounds of pure muscle. Rodger Goodell looks like a kid who got thrown in the dumpster by Logan. Anyway hope Gordan gets better cause he was literally the only good player for the browns last year even though he didn’t play a snap.
Career backup Chris Johnson has been placed on IR literally seconds after I put him on my team as a handcuff to the biggest Johnson in the game. I forget what the injury is and I’m not going to look it up, but for once this year an injury happened to a backup so we can all breathe easy. Now give me the 30 yards you’ve stolen from David Johnson back you piece of shit.
2018 Assist Raffle Tracker
T. Shannon - 24
J. Edwards - 1