(Notes: Jameson was out for a month so this is late)
Welcome to week 5 everyone! In this episode of Matthew Berry’s Love/Hate, Matthew saves the relationship of a man and his estranged brother, Matthew helps a father and son-in-law bond, Matthew’s advice allows a massive retard to convince his equally retarded wife that the best way to pay for their wedding was to bet it all on winning a fucking fantasy league, Matthew helps a man get through “health issues”, and a fan writes in to let Matthew know that his new show is an equal replacement for not growing up with a mother.
Either all of these emails are completely made up or it's time we pool all those thoughts and prayers together and call down a meteorite to smash this pathetic species out of existence.
Lets get to it.
Ben Roethlisberger - Berry gets it, he’s been bad. That’s why it’s time to LOCK AND LOAD THAT MOTHERFUCKER UP AND PUT HIS ASS IN. Everyone could have basically stopped reading his whole article after “maybe it’s not surprising I was the only one to rank Big Ben inside my top ten”, because it isn’t surprising. It isn’t surprising at all.
Todd Gurley - Only berry could jinx a guy coming in averaging 23 points a game. Its shit like this that keeps me coming back for more.
Alex Collins - Averaging an insane 8.24 yards per carry this season. Averaging an insane 4.4 fantasy points. Get this kid before it’s too late.
Tarik Cohen - Second week in a row Cohen makes the list. At this point you have to wonder if our guy Berry has a little something extra riding on Cohen’s success...like maybe if Howard outscores Cohen on the year Field Yates gets to punch him in the dick.
DeVante Parker - Another back to back weeker. “Am I really talking up a Dolphin after last week?” My god i guess so. Berry never forgets. Berry also never learns.
Rishard Matthews - A THIRD BACK TO BACK PICK. For fucks sake don’t put anyone on your love list that has Matt Cassel “throwing” to them.
Charles Clay - If Berry thinks a guy getting injured gets him out of being wrong well he has another thing coming. Any jackoff with a computer can throw in a few words to make it sound like a player will kill it. A real analyst digs deep into the data to predict who's leg will break off or who's eyeball will pop out, and then crafts the perfect tweet at that player to let them know they should fucking kill themselves after they lost you your fantasy week.
Alex Smith - Berry recommended you sit the #1 scoring QB in fantasy who plays for the best team in the NFL. Let that sink in, and then think twice before you open another Love/Hate article.
Philip Rivers - Oh shit watch out guys Philip is playing in the EAST COAST. How can a qb who has been playing in the league for like 20 years possibly get over a 3 hour time change? WHAT IF HIS PHONE DOESN'T AUTO UPDATE AND HIS ALARM DOESN'T GO OFF WILL THEY CUT RIVERS AND MOVE THE TEAM BACK TO SAN DIEGO???
If anything it’s an advantage to fly out east. Phil can throw 8 interceptions and still be back in time for lunch.
Marshawn Lynch - Matthew Berry definitely came up with that shitty ass Least Mode nickname and despite everyone telling him it sucks he’s still going to keep pushing it. Stop trying to make least mode happen. It’s not going to happen.
Jason Witten - how can anyone HATE jason witten? He’s the sweetest guy ever. Have you looked into his eyes? It’s like the first time I heard the beatles.
Thats it for this past week folks. Tune in tomorrow on ESPN if you’d like to read about Tarik Cohen and DeVante Parker being the second comings of Christ.
2018 Assist Raffle Tracker
T. Shannon - 24
J. Edwards - 1