By A. Bamrick
Well here we are boys. It’s hard to believe it but 13 weeks of NFL football has passed and it all comes down to this. For those of you that are in the playoffs in presidents for the first time, I’d like to take this opportunity to welcome you for the duration of your stay. As one of two members of the esteemed President’s League Founding Fathers, it has been my pleasure to show you how things are done around here. For those of you left out of the playoffs, you suck ass get the FUCK out of my league I’ll make sure you never work in this town again you hear?
Let’s get to it:
The Ones Who Got the Byes:
1# The Executive Committee – Jim Heldt
The highest scoring team in the league finished with a 10-3 record and narrowly passed the Rippers for the #1 seed by 6 points. The Committee has been a monster this year, averaging a cool 110 points per game and only scoring less than 100 3 times. Heldt is currently on a 7 game winning streak, and a 3 year streak of never saying a word in the groupme, so with his players taking a week off can we expect some sort of let down once they get back out on the field? Probably not because this isn’t real football dumbshits.
#2 Phuket Rippers – Mark Sullivan
The Champ Is Here indeed. The Rippers have put together one of the most masterful seasons I’ve seen in recent memory, overcoming massive injuries by constantly making the right moves on the waiver wire to stay ahead of the drooling morons that make up half of this league, and landing a late blockbuster trade that gave him Zeke to guarantee him the championship if he makes it. Week 3 signaled the end of the rippers starting RBs, and yet it also signaled the start of a six game winning streak that essentially guaranteed him a playoff spot by midseason. Brings a tear to my eye to see the only other OG president’s league member keep his seat at the table.
The Ones Who Have to Play
#3 Never Say Wombat – Josh Knust vs #6 Fighting Emus – Corey Bogenreif
At one point the Wombats were 3-5 and it appeared their run of playoff appearances would end, but then Alvin Kamara happened and the Wombats have road him to a 5 game winning streak and vaulted him up to the 3 seed. What seemed to be a middling squad has exploded into having a mind melting FIVE players in the top 5 of their position, with Jared Goff in the top 10. This is truly a frightening team to come up against at this point in the year. Meanwhile the Emus have had a bit of a resurgence after not scoring 100 five weeks in a row, they’ve gone over the hump the past 3 weeks to ride a bit of a streak of their own into this matchup.
Prediction: Nobody told Knust that No Nut November was a joke, and never was that more apparent than him unleashing a 163 point ass blasting on the Mirthmobile on Sunday. Now that the balls are empty I’d put money on the Emus pulling the upset, although the chodes at ESPN predict a fairly easy 12 point wombat win.
EMUS: 115 – 102
#4 The Mirthmobile –
Austin Bamrick vs #5 The Sea Cows – Will Postler
Easily the matchup of the week over literally every league, this one is a battle of two 8-5 teams that took L’s heading into the playoffs to bump them down a seed. When I drafted I looked at my team thinking it was an 8-5 team, and that’s what I got. I’m one of the only teams to not have had to deal with injuries, bringing a fully healthy if decidedly mediocre squad into the playoffs for the 4th straight year despite having to play the rippers and the wombats twice 3 seasons in a row. This is bullshit by the way.
Side note: Devonta Freeman you fucking suck bro.
Meanwhile the Cows have made some serious moves to get to where they are, getting 8 weeks out of Zeke before offloading him for LeVeon to a desperate and incredibly shitty Alpacas squad, picking up a suddenly MVP caliber Case Keenum, spending his leftover dough to grab Alfred Morris, and making it here despite losing David Johnson first week of the season. It all sets us up for a week that ESPN is projecting to be decided by .1 points.
Prediction – Devonta Freeman finally lives up to his 1st round pick, scoring a staggering 9 points while I go a 3rd week in a row scoring less than 100 after hitting the mark nine out of the previous ten weeks. Chris Hogan goes off for an Adam Theilen like 25 and the Cows move on to play The Executive Committee.
Sea Cows: 120 – 87
JUST KIDDING, I have Josh Gordon.
The Mirthmobile: 268 - 120
Those Who Must Play For My Amusement
#8 ROBO DRAGONS – Drew Pratt vs #7 Backalley Bootleggers – Denton Patrick
To start off the loser’s bracket full of total fucking losers we have two teams I definitely thought would be in the playoffs after the draft. At 5-8 the Dragons are probably cursing Demarco Murray’s name, and at 7-5 the bootleggers are brewing up a truly disgusting present for Bogey’s precious road.
PREDICTION: At the time of this writing Denton has like 4 people in projected to score 0 points which I’m pretty sure is collusion or something so someone should probably look into that. I am reminded of a South Park episode where both baseball teams tried to lose, and despite all their efforts South Park won in hilarious fashion.
Backalley Bootleggers: 90 – 84
#10 Cloudwalkers – Alex Benda vs #9 Jean Racks – Ryan Langtimm
This thanksgiving the thing I was most thankful for was Alex Benda taking Jay Ajayi right before I could so I ended up with Jordan Howard. A perfect example of a roster on paper that should destroy, instead out of the players he drafted only 1 is within the top ten at their position at season’s end. Meanwhile the Jean Racks seemed destined for playoff glory with a God by the name of Danny Woodhead on the squad, but his joy turned to ash as danny was struck down in the first series of his first game as a raven. ESPN has this as the second closest matchup of the week with a 98-93 win for the Cloudwalkers.
PREDICTION: Since nothing matters anymore, Marshawn Lynch and Ajayi will get their shit together and both go off for 20 points as Benda cruises to victory over the Jean Racks, who had the audacity to not pick Danny back up once he was healthy. Shun the non-believers.
#12 Dual Wielding Alpacas – Joe Crispin vs #11 TitoLeewoods Killers – Brian Nelson
I think most of us saw this coming 4 months ago when the draft wrapped up, although a brief flash of hope in the form of Kareem Hunt almost saved the Killers season early on. I truly don’t know if Crispin was just sick of presidents or what, but a draft that included Andrew Luck, Jordan Reed, Eddie Lacy, and using his 8th and 9th round picks on Justin Tucker and the Seattle defense just signaled give me 12th place from the start. This matchup of the two lowest scoring teams in the league should be avoided at all costs.
Prediction: Killers take it with Kareem Hunt finally returning to early season production, and Crispin heads to Gold.
TitoLeewoods Killers: 105 - 70
2018 Assist Raffle Tracker
T. Shannon - 24
J. Edwards - 1