By Joshua Knust - Never Say Wombat
Football is finally upon us! No longer will we be forced to fill the dozens of hours on Sundays with Netflix and chores and several sensual sessions of shameful self-touching. Now on the Lord’s day, we will worship from waking to sleeping at the altar of the football gods. Some will be blessed and some will be cursed, but no matter what happens, be thankful that you are not Taylor Zachar, our miserable piss-boy. We have some great matchups this week; let’s take a look.
***Swamp Donkeys (TMAS) vs Las Tortugas (DTAY)
This in an interesting match-up as both of these players won their respective leagues before being relegated up to the big leagues. Dave-o mowed through the Purple League last year going 15-0 en route to a championship, while Masker had a very respectable 11-4 record. Can they take the next step and claim a D-League title? I don’t know, but both of these players had solid drafts and their teams are going to be consistent and deep this year. This one is projected to be an exact tie (103.7-103.7), but I think my Purple League rival wins it on a big game from Big Ben
Edge: Las Tortugas (DTAY)
***Dallas Dictators (JBAM) vs Backalley Bootleggers (DPAT)
This one is going to be sweet! Solid teams each led by top-tier quarterbacks and running backs. I will be watching this closely to see if the Dear Leader can hold off the insurgent Bootleggers from White League. The projection is close with Denton edging out Jameson by less than a point (107-106.4). I like to imagine in my head that Gronk has been lifting weights and doing cocaine all day leading up to tonight’s game (Thursday). An angry Tom Brady throwing to a yayed-out Gronk is going to make the difference.
Edge: Backalley Bootleggers (DPAT)
***Upper Decker (MSTE) vs Never Say Wombat (JKNU)
The projection has me toppling our defending champion, but because it is such a tight margin (108.6-107.2) and for sake of personal sanity, I will go pessimistically into this weekend’s games. The Jordy Nelson injury means more touches for Stewart’s Lacy, and Cobb is not 100% with a sprained AC joint in his shoulder. As an Aaron Rodgers owner, I am hoping that the forward pass is still a part of the game-plan, because otherwise I’m in trouble.
Edge: Upper Decker (MSTE)
***Duncombe Demons (TMIC) vs Haarig Holzfallers (ABIA)
Jordy Nelson going down for the whole season less than twenty-four hours after picking him up in the second round is some rough beats for T-Mike as he prepares to face what looks to be a great Bianchi team. T-Mike did benefit from the lifting of the Brady suspension, but has Brady on the bench for week one in lieu of Tony Romo, who pairs well with his number one wide receiver, Dez Bryant. I love Bianchi’s line-up despite not knowing what the fuck his team name means (I maybe don’t have a leg to stand on here), and I expect a big game from Antonio Brown. The depth that T-Mike lost with the injury will be too much to overcome, and this game is one of the most lopsided match-ups in the league this week (108.3-96.3). The only way T-Mike prevails is if the Romo-Bryant combo just goes nutter-butters.
Edge: Haarig Holzfallers (ABIA)
***The Mirthmobile (ABAM) vs Phuket Rippers (MSUL)
Both of these teams are a little short-handed here in week one. Mike Evans’s status is still in question for Sunday, and Sully will be patiently waiting for Le’Veon Bell’s suspension to end (when it happens, watch out). The difference between these two teams in week one is most stark at the running back position, with Adrian Peterson and Lamar Miller starting for A-Bam and Ameer Abdullah and Doug Martin starting for Sully. The extent of Ameer Abdullah’s role in that backfield is still unknown, and Doug Martin is still Doug Martin the last time I checked. Mirthmobile is projected to win in the most lopsided game of the week (110.8-93.5), and I don’t see it playing out any differently.
Edge: The Mirthmobile (ABAM)
***Arnie’s Pizza Shop (LKOC) vs Uncle Abe (NLIN)
Koch has amazing running backs, and Lincoln has amazing wide recievers. Both have solid rosters otherwise, so what makes the difference? I am not high on Stafford, and I have a hunch that Eli Manning has a great game for the Uncle Abes (get a franchise), lifting them over the Fighting Kochs despite the projection that has Arnie’s Pizza Shop winning (107.7-103.8). I am calling the upset, Lincoln. Don’t mess this up for us.
Edge: Arnie’s Pizza Shop (LKOC)
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