By Sullivan, Phuket Rippers
Phuket Rippers vs. The Mirthmobile
You young pups want a history lesson? Jameson started this league in 2010 on NFL.com’s fantasy site under the name “shamwowhookerpunch”. I can’t find any records of that year’s teams, but the next year, about the same time that one kid everyone makes fun of on the GroupMe thread for being young started at Iowa State , the hosting site got moved to ESPN. That year, there were 3 teams that had names still in use today – Rufio RU FI OOO, God’s Country Cat Daddies, and The Mirthmobile. Four years from now when half of you has moved on to Fantasy Battle Bots, Austin will still be rocking the Mirthmobile name in the President’s FANTASY FOOTBALL! League. Lot to like about that sort of commitment, and for that, I award him a predicted win.
Haarig Holzfallers vs. Duncombe Demons
Here’s a fun fact: T-Mike’s roster from that first year in 2010 was nearly identical to his current starting lineup. Swap out Dez Bryant and Travis Kelce for Michael Irvin and Tony Gonzalez and it’s a perfect match. Bianchi’s team is no spring chicken either, though. I predict that between the two, there will be at least 1 broken hip and a couple of bouts of incontinence. In the end, Deandre Hopkins scores 40 points and the Holzfallers Fall Holz like it’s 1999.
Uncle Abe vs. Arnie’s Pizza Shop
The most dangerous 3-8 team outside of Ames, Iowa, Arne’s Pizza Shop is set to deliver a family size whooping to Uncle Abe this week! I don’t really believe any of that sentence, but it was too easy not to write. Lincoln has great WRs and there’s no way fate doesn’t allow the only franchise in the President’s League without a uniform to win the whole thing. You tried your best, Jameson, but unfranchised Nick Lincoln is the unstoppable dripping water that eventually erodes away your entire mid-life’s work.
Never Say Wombat vs. Upper Decker
As much as Knust would love to talk to you about power rankings and statistical probabilities and how bad my team is and how smart he was in picking up Thomas Rawls, anyone who was in the Delt house back when it used to hold parties so big the fire marshal would shut them down 6 nights a week can tell you that fantasy football champions don’t abide by some algorithm spitting out made up Power Scores. Shit, you think Stewart won last year’s league as the second lowest scorer because he played by the Power Score rules and forfeited to all those “better” teams? Hell no. You know what his Power Score was and still is? 1. Run and tell that to your computers, Joshua.
Dallas Dictators vs. Backalley Bootleggers
I was ready to give this one to the Bootleggers, but then I saw the early 2015 throwback jerseys that the Dictators are wearing this week. Not quite as good as their early-2014s and nowhere near the level of the mid-2013s, but they beat the hell out of the current version. Time to get the graphic designer on the phone for another reboot.
Swamp Donkeys vs. Las Tortugas
Full disclosure: Las Tortugas is my favorite logo. Look at that smiling turtle in a sombrero ready to punch out anyone who so much as looks at him wrong. Makes me wish I could rename my team to the Cat Videos and just have a different kitten gif every week of the season. (If you read that as “jif” in your head, you can jit the fuck out of here right now.) Anyways, ESPN’s projections say that this will be close, but you don’t need to have this week’s Power Scores in front of you to know that Daveo is going to wipe the floor with Masker. Lock of the Week. “A” pick. Book it.
2018 Assist Raffle Tracker
T. Shannon - 24
J. Edwards - 1