By Tex, Flying Fortress
After last week’s total blow out wins, plus Renner, this season is turning out to be more unpredictable than Postler’s acceptance into the house while wearing a padawan braid. Lowest scoring win was by team Reggie Ray with 88.3 points. Even with that statistic, every game was won by at least 25.5 points (biggest blowie coming from the Dual Wielding Alpacas with a differential of 59.4 points).
That being said, ESPN projections put only 2 matchups at a total decimation level. Drone Rangers, 2-0, are projected to annihilate Vintage Bamrick, 0-2, like we needed reminding. On paper, the Rangers look as stacked as the cupcakes on the fat chick’s desk at work. Frank Gore, Antonio Brown, and AJ Green facing off with players like Arian Foster who is listed as Questionable and projected to bring in a whopping goose egg even with all his spirited cheerleading. Then again, if Keenan Allen, Austin Sefarian-Jenkins, and nearly everyone’s defense can do it in week 1, why can’t Foster?
The other blowout projected for the upcoming week is, once again, the Dual Wielding Alpacas (DWA, aka the Dicks With Assjuice who don’t even know how to change their logo to the one they paid for on ESPN) vs. Renner's team "Reggie Ray". During the draft, one might have said, “Man… Renner is actually serious about something,” but with Lacy and McCoy questionable and projected a combined 12.5 points (math help: Lacy is projected 0) one could really argue having the draft weekend a little closer to the start of the season. Perhaps even on a long weekend? Anyways, with Gronk and Fitz and Julio in your line up, doesn’t really matter who the other team has… Or does it?
Next up is Team Jean Rack, 0-2, vs. Dallas Flying Fortress, 1-1. Projected to be a really close game, this one could go either way, but one team has a sweet logo and the other doesn’t. Soooo…. There’s that. Also, Team Jean Rack’s players are all, with the exception of 2, projected to out score their current averages, while Dallas Flying Fortress is just hoping that goddamm Vinatieri doesn’t go negative again, that human piece of garbage!!!! YOU HAD ONE JOB!!!! With a season like this, who the hell knows where this one will lead.
After last week’s showing, it’s hard to imagine a team hand picked by a Hawaiian bandwagoning the Seahawks could ever make triple digits (they’ve literally made sports out of floating on drift wood and eating SPAM), but projected to win by +4.7 this may be the week for the Seatown Shakas to be come the C-Plus-Town Shakas. If Rodgers continues to hold up his end, unlike last year, the SS could stand a chance. But let’s not forget Baby Face Tiedemann, holding the Brady and Jamaal Charles cards. Unless they manage to over-inflate every single ball in the NFL, Brady stands to make a good showing against the Jags putting him, in my opinion, easily approaching 30 points even if ESPN only has him down for 18.8.
Alex “Big Dick” Benda, comin’ in hot with 2 wins under his belt vs. the Fighting Firkins at 1-1 on the season. Week 1 saw AP failing to perform (which is probably why he is so angry), but improvement has been noted last week with a solid 18.2. That plus Edelman puts Benda in stable contention against Bell and Forsett in the Firkins’ line up. Furthermore, the Firkins hanging on to Keenan Allen could prove to be deadly to a team counting every fractional point.
Last and, perhaps, least… the California Boat Rockers vs. the Robodragons. Probably the best matchup since both of them not only have badass logos, but they are also linked to their ESPN pages. Who knows about Peyton (Boat Rockers) after a piss poor performance for week 1 and a serviceable week 2 expected of an average QB. However, since he is playing against the Lions and the Robodragons are sporting the one and only That-Guy-Who-Throws-Things-At-Bucs-Players Winston who faces off against the Houston defense this week, that position is sure to win out. Several weeks ago, Robodragons looked pretty good on paper for some other positions with Forte and Emmanuel Sanders, but things are a bit shaky for the Robo D’s at the moment having plowed through 4 QBs in just over 2 weeks.
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