The Mirthmobile vs Arnie's Pizza Shop
I'm pretty excited to be playing Logans 2-6 team now that they've put up back to back 120+ point games after averaging 15 the last 6 weeks. You'd think a team with the only top 5 running back that was drafted this year that still has an ACL (and isn't fatass eddie lacy) would be sitting pretty good, but you'd be wrong because john brown and mike evans decided to literally shit on my face.
1.) Will Lamar Miller and the rest of the dolphins offense continue to be limp dick pussies in the face of any defense with a pulse?
2.) Is this the week the last top 5 drafted back tears his ACL?
3.) Will Devante Adams score ten times his average for no fucking reason?
1.) Bet your house.
2.) First play of the game. Calling it.
3.) Not only that, but he will play defense and intercept every ball thrown Greg Olsen's way.
Prediction: Logan's team has some of the softest machups you could hope for this week. I have Lamar Miller.
30 - 128
Duncombe Demons vs Dallas Dictators
THE RETURN OF DEZ BRYANT AND DEANGELO WILLIAMS. On paper, this looks like a nightmare week to play t-mike. Dez has a soft eagles secondary to go up against, ingram and brady will do their thing, mcfadden has taken over the dallas backfield, larry donnell...uh...sucks. T-mike even has kelce and west on bye's and it still looks like a beatdown. Jameson at least has Chris Boswell.
1.) How did t-mike manage to get the backups on two of the most rb elite offenses in the league?
2.) Do you think Mcfadden heard me when I made fun of him 4 weeks ago?
3.) Who would you rather put in your lineup: Larry Donnell or a bag of sand?
1.) Voodo black magic. Anyone holding deangelo after week 2 so he can play him in week 8 clearly has some dark shit going on in his closet.
2.) He hasn't scored less than 12 points since I did, so I'd say yes.
3.) The sand by a mile. Larry Donnell is just below "the ground" as favorite Eli Manning targets.
Prediction: Matt Jones has a field day, scoring at 9 whole points to go along with Jason witten's solid five.
Never Say Wombat vs Phuket Rippers
Never Say Wombat has at least 67 people on bye this week, and the Rippers have basically nobody and some SOFT ASS CUP CAKE MATCHUPS. Also you don't have a defense Knust so I'd get on that if I were you. Anyway, the rippers had a pretty off week last week, which allowed the streaking Pizza Shop to take em down. I don't think that'll hold. Meanwhile Knust has a solid crew of people who score about 10 points and then take a nap, which can't happen when playing a dominating Rippers squad.
1.) Who is better, Caleb Sturgis or Stephen Gostowksi? Matchup of the week folks.
2.) Is Watkins back? Or is he like not back?
3.) What is a Jacob Tamme?
1.) Gostowski. Ok you can stop watching the matchup folks.
2.) Not back but still back. Back back back back back
3.) A Jacob Tamme is when you last like 2 minutes the first time and then 45 minutes the next.
Prediction: knust puts a defense in and only loses by 30, thanks in part to his defense giving up negative 9.
98 - 128
Uncle Abe vs Swamp Donkeys
Believe it or not the Donkeys can still make the playoffs. That is gonna be quite the uphill battle this week though, as the receiving core of Abe is one of the best in the league. On the other hand, the donkeys are literally playing the only person who could be put in a WR or RB slot in their flex, which is a bold strategy and we'll see how it pays off for him. Probably not good since McCluster averages 7 points.
1.) Is Big Ben going to stop sucking MASSIVE DONKEY DICK?
2.) Is TJ really starting TWO rb's for the titans?
3.) Will Philip Rivers get hit by a bus on the way to the game?
1.) No, I have him in another league and he is aids.
3.) Please allah make it happen that guy is the fucking worst.
Prediction: Dexter McCluster houses 4 punt returns for td's while the Donkeys beat Abe.
Haarig Holzfallers vs Las Tortugas
I don't know what language these teams are in but here in AMERICA WE SPEAK FUKIN AMERICAN. This is easily the matchup of the weak, as both of these teams (along with the Rippers) are tied for 1st and are projected to put up some pointage. Bianchi's team has every. single. person. on his team averaging double figures (except antonio gates). On the other side, Davo doesn't have that consistency but has a few guys that can absolutely explode any given week. Davo is fortunate that Hopkins and Fitzgerald are both on bye's this week. My pants are tight just thinkin about this matchup folks.
1.) What will the return of Darren Sproles in a fantasy lineup bode?
2.) Which Martavis Bryant will show up this week?
3.) Can Tavon Austin repeat his insane week 8 performance?
1.) Seven points. You are getting seven points its his average and its what he will do.
2.) I think the good one. So thats good.
3.) Austin does this: 20 point outing, two shit outings. 20 point outing, two shit outings. Unfortunately its shit outing time for you Bianchi.
Prediction: Mexico takes whatever language that is Bianchi. Devonta Freeman is not human.
Upper Decker vs Backalley Bootleggers
Remember when Carlos Hyde exploded for 30 points in week 1 and we all though we were in big trouble? The bootleggers are coming off their 4th straight loss and their time in the premier league looks like it might be fairly short lived. Injuries are murdering this team, and an upper decker team that has the players on paper to be good should take this one without much trouble.
1.) Will fatass edward evelyn lacy get is fattass into the endzone?
2.) CJ ANDERSON HAD A GOOD GAME. CJ ANDERSON HAD A GOOD GAME. WEEEOOOWEEEOOOWEEEOOOWEEOOO IS CJ BACK?
3.) Did you know that this matchup is featuring 3 of the worst offensive players on denver's team?
1.) No carolina is actually pretty good and edward looks like he just eats cheeseburgers on the sideline all day.
2.) No it was a fluke and he is BAD.
3.) Yes, i wrote it and its still funny
Prediction: Upper decker upper decks bootleggers, as peyton continues to be worse than hitler and gronk continues to be wasted.
102.8 - 91.7
2018 Assist Raffle Tracker
T. Shannon - 24
J. Edwards - 1