By L. Koch
Welcome Fantasy fans. This here is your White League Draft Recap with a slight twist. That twist being each team is assigned a game of thrones theme which matches how I personally view the theme of each new team. If you would like more content please reach out to my online tag ‘The First Sword, King of Gagosos, Rider of Irogenia – a sylphic albino dragon with scales, horns, and talons in midnight black. Irogenia has amethyst eyes and opalescent wings.
Jameson- MFP Interceptors – The Sand Snakes/ (new) Winterfell
Once Jameson said that if anyone told him they enjoyed the Sandsnakes plot he would eat their babies, I started to notice a lot of parallels here. Jameson and Sansa both have to be told how cool their younger siblings are. Also, Jameson put the league before himself and drafted last in true Stark fashion. While we would love to see him be Jon Snow and impossibly/unexplainably emerge out of the icy waters, it’s looking more like a Ned Stark type ending with months of isolation in a prison cell followed by an awesome, public decapitation. Just like new Winterfell and the Sandsnakes plot I find that every time my screen displays to this team, horrible thoughts start coming to my head. After reading this list of players, I couldn’t help but ponder life’s gift and question whether I am using my time on this world appropriately. ‘Where did man go wrong?’, ‘what am I doing right now?’, ‘I hate myself’ were all examples. When I look at his top three picks of Ajayi, Michael Thomas, and Tyreek Hill; all I can think of are the three sands nakes Tyene, Nymeria, and Obara Sand. Sure, they will do damage at times, and I actually started to like that one who got naked. But I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more pathetic group of players. Jamaal Charles is basically Doran Martell who has gout, in wheel chair, and hasn’t been to war in 4 years. I think Marvin Jones at #132 was a great value pick. I also like Cam Meredith at #85. But yikes, I am glad that over and can continue living my life.
Ben Freese – Sawed Offs - House Tarly
I’m assigning Freese to House Tarly, not really because of his picks but because he wasn’t at the draft and nobody seemed to notice or ask where he was. House Tarly is fine I guess, but overall just a non-factor. The incompetent writers tried to bring the family into the show to garner sympathy before they were burned alive but nobody really seemed to care. I’m guessing Freese is ok but probably won’t ask around. Team Sawed Offs most likely contemplated whether to go WR/RB or Gronk in the second round and I think he did what he thought was best for him and his family. Even though he is Sam and his family most likely thinks of him as a disgrace. His family is also probably saying behind his back that his team is super f*cking boring in between Julio and Martavis – which also may be my new GoT name. The CJ Anderson, Kenny Britt, and Matt Forte combo makes me want to chop down all the trees in my yard. The only happiness I got from reading those picks was envisioning Ben Freese, where ever the hell is his, by himself, watching the Rams and Browns every Sunday. May God forgive you.
Tieds – Benton County Beast Mode - House Lannister
Whether deserving or not, Tieds is sitting on the iron throne with the first pick of the draft. I liken David Johnson to Cersei Lannister. Mainly because he should be the most hated/feared woman in Westeros for what he did to ISU back in 2008. I’ll never forgive him for the measures we had to take to find entertainment during those games (see video of Renner throwing cold meat sandwiches). Maybe it’s just Sturms and I who hold grudges for 10 years? Like House Lannister, this team is a 3.5 man show. Cersei = DJ, Jamie = Rodgers, Tywin = Cooks, and Tyrion = Zeke because he can only play half the season. Tieds is the man so I decided to knight him on my website as Ser Tieds of the Red Mountain, Breaker of the Second Stone. As I am writing this, I can hear my foster dog vomiting continuously on the carpet in the other room. Anywho, as far as I’m concerned you can drop the rest of your team.
TA – The Javelinas - The Red Wedding
I don’t expect TA to understand this since he is too proud to watch a show with dragons. After the polished-turd that was Season 7, I envy you now. There is something to be said about starting something great, only to build up for a huge let down. Which makes for a great transition for you theme. The Red Wedding was a spectacle from the start. Rob Stark, the King of the North, was the biggest up and comer in Westeros at the time. While TA has been in the league a short time, he has proven his talents worthy of notice. Most people in Westeros have never seen him, they have just heard the tall tales of a man who rides a wolf into battle. This is very similar to how most of have not seen TA in a decade. Anyways, this is about a massacre. His three consecutive picks of Keenan Allen, Jordan Reed, and Sammy Watkins are either season makers or breakers. As a previous owner of all three, I think it’s a 50-50 shot that this team will be gutted and massacred by week 3 which will hopefully send TA down a spiral of a deep, dark depression where he eventually gives up fantasy football forever.
Trevor Michaelson – Duncombe Demons - House Tyrell
House Tyrell is rich with grain, fertile with babes. But this reminds me of a team T-Shan would put together to go to Claire’s surprise birthday party that she made him throw in the first place. There isn’t a single RB1 on the roster. Currently on the front lines, the Demons have 5 RB2’s and 2 RB3’s. Much like they bet the house on Margaery Tyrell, Trevor is betting on Joe Mixon, who I am sure is a decent guy if you get to know him. There is a lot to like here in terms of WR/TE with OBJ, Gronk, & Pryor. All the fantasy football talking heads love Pryor this year with his new Skins team, but have to wonder if going WR in that spot was the right choice. I wish nothing but the worst for this team and I hope you think about what you have done.
Tex- Dallas Flying Fortress - George RR Martin
Have to hand it to you Tex, you’re the real winner out of this bullshit seventh season. I was expecting more of a Benioff/Weiss-type draft out of you. Maybe 2-3 QB’s in the first 6 rounds, followed by Mark Ingram, followed by the #2 Defense even though the #1 Defense was still available. But you proved to be some sort of fantasy-world genius and you had us all fooled. You laughed to yourself in that dark room you call home. Just like GRRM, you’ve let on that you’ve had your finger in your butt for 4 years, while these shit breaths ruin your life’s work. All the while, you’re sitting back plotting and taking sleepers like Crowder, Riddick, and Vereen in late rounds. Then you tell us you’re not even watching the show. Curse you, GRRM. Curse you. J/K you did a really good job Tex. You really came into form in the later rounds when you selected that James White/Dak Prescott combo. It could have been a decent year for you, which I imagine as the ultimate nightmare and hopefully the end of the world.
Dan Whitney, JR – The Hellhounds – The Children of the Forest
Dan I have no idea what to expect from this team but it does feel like there is some magic there. I tried so hard to avoid Demaryius Thomas, but getting him at #30 looks like a real treat for you. I liked your mid round picks of Marcus Mariota, Corey Coleman, and Ted Ginn JR. Interesting approach to take Dalvin Cook- expected to eventually take over the RB1 role in Minn, followed by Mark Ingram – expected to eventually lose the RB1 role in NO. I respect your Darren Sproles pick and feel pretty good about him crawling into the forest to find a place to die once this season is over. I’ve never heard the name Wil Lutz before in my life and I know you haven’t either. You just wanted everything to think that you had some secret agenda and knew exactly what you were doing.
Stew – Upper Decker - Dothraki hord
Stew’s team is the definition of a Dothraki Hord. He took either RB or WR in the first 10 rounds and still ended up with a respectable QB/TE. His draft strategy was exhausting and relentless. He rode into town with his thousands of horses and raped and pillaged the leagues women and children pick after pick. I hope you feel good about that. His Hunter Henry and Kirk Cousins pickup in the 11th and 12th was straight savagery. Do NOT trust this blood rider and I will never listen to one of your non-missionary sex stories ever again.
Eric Dirks – Code Black - The Ancient City of Volantis
We just met this weekend and I’ve only heard whispers of your tales throughout the riverlands, so I say this with all due respect. You’re obviously ancient, but there is clearly some magic left in that bag of bones. I love AJ Green and Doug Baldwin with your first two picks. But from then on, you’re clearly hiding something. I can only imagine that picking Christian McCaffrey was some sick and twisted way to slight Juice. Everyone knows Ty Montgomery will be replaced by my man Jamaal Williams as the feature back for GB, so that pick was dumb as hell. You took a real blue collar approach with Gillislee, John Brown, and Jordan Matthews who will be serviceable but will probably be on your bench when they have good weeks and will f*ck you up the butt when you start them. Hard to tell what will happen with AP and Jack Doyle. They look like dumb bags of shit from here but hopefully they turn out good, with all do respect.
John Ward – California Boat Rockers - House Arryn
Nobody really knows what you’re doing over there.
Jeff Edwards – Hawaii Hummers- House Baratheon
Team Hummers and House Baratheon are built to win. The team doesn’t jump out on paper. His flashiest pick was Travis Kelsie in the 3rd round, which I don’t know nearly enough about to criticize. While Hyde, Woodhead, Snead, Garcon, Stewart, and Adam Thielen won’t get you from six to midnight, they all should be solid and consistent picks. House Baratheon is solid and Jeff appears to have the depth to fill the RB void when Danny Woodhead falls off his skateboard again. Wild Bill (my brother) has been talking to me about Zay Jones when he gets wasted for the last 3 weeks and I just kept telling him to ‘please, leave me alone.’ So, I’m glad to hear Zay is an actual person and there just may be some form of sanity left Wild Bill’s melted brain. So, thank you Jeff.
ME- Arnies Pizza - House Greyjoy
By far the strangest house in Westeros also happens to have the most wildcards. I had the confidence of Euron going into the draft and ended up turning into Reke. This was mainly because it took me about an hour and 45 minutes to get over the fact that Tex was beating me even though I bought 4 magazines at HyVee before the draft and all he cared about was cobbler and leather straps, which I assume both are sexually motivated. I’m 95% positive Tshan made that Randall Cobb pick for me in the 8th round, it’s the only explanation that makes sense. I’m still trying to decide if tshan is Reke or Varys in this story. Is anyone listening to me?
2018 Assist Raffle Tracker
T. Shannon - 24
J. Edwards - 1