A lot of action, plenty of surprises, and a mix of disappointment around the NFL in week 2. Tony Blowmo and Smokin Jay Culter went down with injuries. Rex Ryan ate his words as he does every year, and got steam reamed by the Cheatriots. I don’t know why anyone thought the Eagles would be good and Payton Manning managed to float enough passes to win a second game with his jello arm. And lastly the Dolphins pissed me off as well as probably a lot of people in survivor leagues.
Onto the matches:
Team Nigro v. Midwest Cat Daddies
The first matchup of the week goes to Team Nigro and his super creative team name verses the Midwest Cat Daddies which sounds like a single-A baseball team. A decently solid showing from Team Nigro pushed him to 1-1 on the season with the victory and 4th in standings. Rodgers was a top performer against Seattle (somewhere a drunk hispanic man is yelling at local bar in Bettendorf Iowa) and the Cardinals defense took a massively huge pigeon size crap on the Bears. Cat Daddies rocked the passmaster in Ryan Tannehill, but it wasn’t enough as the Bills defense decided to play like the 2008 Detriot Lions.
AP will beat you All Day v. California Redhawks
The second matchup brings child abuse and mythical red birds together for a lovingly close hug fest. AP managed to pick up his stick and gently slap a 1.3 point victory. E. Sanders managed to grab a crap load of points to compliment a surprisingly consistent Matthew Stafford. Unfortunately for AP, Austin Sefeirefain-jafarian-my boy-jenkins is out for a few weeks. Team RedHawks really could have used Mike Evans, but rumor has it he was busy snagging crab legs instead of catching balls. Tom Brady continues to be a late round steal as people still cannot figure out why he is still playing.
The Martyrs v. Medieval Knievels
Things are not looking good for the martyrs as they put up the lowest amount of points in the white league to move to 0-2 on the season. With no real stars, Martyrs is relying on Matt Forte to make up for Sam Bradford’s embarrassing loss to Brandon Weeden. I mean for god sakes Brandon Weeden got his salad tossed by Iowa State in 2011 in a beautiful victory for the Cyclones. Meanwhile, Medieval Knievels put together a very solid roster for week 2. Fitzgerald made Carson Palmer look like Dan ‘the man’ Marino. Flacco was an easy start against an Oakland defense who has probably averaged 31+ points allowed per game for the last decade.
Barking Spiders v. Cry me a Rivers
Didn’t Juice draft in first place? He is currently tied for bottom of the pile (everyone back to the pile!) after getting completely demolished by dusty buttholes. Tony Romo’s fragile little body was crushed and Roddy White was nowhere to be found for Spiders whose top player was almost a kicker. Cry Me A River’s team was absolutely stacked with almost every player putting up double digits. He didn’t even need a defense. Gronk was a big dumb animal and Edelman caught 2 touchdowns – word on the street is that if you catch 2 TDs from Brady – you get to smell Belicheat’s post game whitey tighties.
The Enforcers v. The Hellhounds
Holy crap – this is taking a long time. How many games do I have to do this for? Hellhounds pretty easily beat the Enforcers 128.2 to 89.4… Luck sucked. Antonio Brown took San Fran to pound town and I am not really sure who Tevin Coleman is. No one in their right minds would have expected the Browns defense to put up 19 points. Vinatieri continues to disappoint mostly due to Luck, but also because he is so old that he farts dust.
Rogue Squadron v. Tito Leewood’s Killers
Where the hell did these team names come from? Holy shit, this sounds like an EPIC battle. OBJ straight up came gangsta, grabbed some touches and 24 points to go with it. Brandon Marshall got some points without getting stabbed by his ex-wife so that’s a plus. On the downside, Brees may have gotten injured but that’s just the nature of a cockfight. Leewood’s Killa’s didn’t do so hot in this rumble. Lacy and Jeffery both have Jay Cutler like injuries (just rub some dirt on it!) His shining light was the Roethlisraper, who is off to a very spicy start.
Onto week three suckas!
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